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“Frary-Wave Feminism Has Gone Too Far:” Collins to Start Exclusively Serving Raw Meat With No Utensils


In response to public outcry about Frary’s “Meatless Monday,” Collins has issued their own statement. Put simply: Frary’s vegan feminists need to step back. In an unprecedented display of principle and activism, Collins is fighting back—for you, for your children (specifically your sons), for every red-blooded American who knows that bald eagles taste best with barbecue sauce and an ice cold Coors Banquet. Collins is sending a clear message: “Meatless Monday” makes us weak and faint-hearted. But they promise to return us to our primal roots.

Starting March 20, 2023, Collins dining hall will start serving only raw meat. They will not supply plates, utensils, napkins, or salt. If you are strong enough to harvest it yourself, you can use one of the wall tiles that kind of looks like a plate. 

Collins will champion an inclusive, animalistic, and beautiful culinary experience where they throw raw T-bone steaks indiscriminately into a crowd. “Meatless Mondays” aren’t just misguided: they’re the complete opposite of what we should be doing. 

Explaining why Collins will be implementing this new system every day for every meal, Collins director Arby MacDonald said, “justice doesn’t take breaks, and neither will we.”

“Tearing meat with our dirty hands is the closest to mindful eating we can get. Seeing people gnawing on meat, Lady-and-the-Tramping it with friends except instead of pasta it’s just one big bloody wet slab of beef, and fostering their mind-body connection is beautiful,” said MacDonald.

All we can do is hope Frary can admit their mistakes and join Collins in creating a better world. After all, Prometheus, the god of fire who watches over Frary tables, didn’t get ripped by being vegetarian. Next time you eat at Frary, look Prometheus in the eyes (and abs) and ask yourself who you would trust with your life. Will it be Prometheus, or the Frary-core salad-eating feminists who want to take away your right to be strong—to act on your bloodlust? The answer is clear.


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