Keen Resigns Amid Badminton Turmoil

Suzanne Keen has finally bowed to the pressure of shuttlecock politics at the 5Cs. After her historic resignation, the 10^th president of Scripps College went on to highlight her fractious relationship with the badminton community.

“Frankly, it’s gone too far—there’s violence everywhere. Can’t step a foot without skidding over the remains of shuttlecock shootouts. I thought in my term we could return to the old pickup days but this unabated viciousness has taken a toll on me. I used to enjoy a good match after a long day of helping Scripps students learn important things like Italian and the harp.”

A noted scholar of empathy and reading, Keen is well-equipped to theorize about how campus climate perpetuates badminton violence, claiming that, “people beat each other to death with rackets because they are angry, I think.” Yet most students do not see a problem with badminton and see administrative actions against its surrounding culture as damaging to student spirit.

In a sign of massive cross-campus student action, several Pomona students painted “badminton is good” on Walker Wall, and ASCMC called for reinstatement of the Badminton Violence Pit now occupied by the Kravis Center. “Before the 5Cs got all like, boring or whatever, we used to have blowout parties after every badminton match,” said Mindy Management (CMC ’26).

Under the Keen administration, aggressive policies post-COVID have demonstrably failed. Marred by missteps, most notably proclaiming, “Badminton isn’t fit for ladies,” and, “We’re taking down this racket.” Local cool guy Pelvis Contralto (PZ ’24) thinks Keen never had a chance. “There was just like, radical systemic opposition against it,” he coughed through an herbal cigarette. Whether student opposition takes down another Scripps amateur (it is widely reported Keen’s high drives were dreadful) is yet to be seen.

Scripps Associated Students presented warm words of congratulation to Amy Marcus-Newhall, acting President, during a press conference. “We wish the best of luck to this new administration, but be warned that heads will roll if badminton culture continues to be threatened by crybabies and nerds.” At press time, Marcus-Newhall’s office could not be reached for comment.