On a Tuesday that some are calling the second most shocking Tuesday in the 21st century, Pitzer’s office of Student Accounts announced that the tuition for the 2024-2025 school year will be a whopping $64,888. (Specifically, that is 16,222 Whoppers). When asked about this new price, the office said they love angel numbers and multiples of eight.
Students have had varying responses to this change. One student, a junior who chose to remain anonymous said, “this is not shocking at all.” After that statement, our interview was promptly terminated. The Golden Antlers remains unwilling to normalize paying such high prices for the opportunity to inhale bong rips second hand.
“When I first started Pitzer, I could afford full tuition.” Nora Goldman-Sachs, a senior, shared. “Now, I can still afford it. But some of my friends have parents who make less than ten figures a year, you know? They can barely afford shoes…which is ok I guess because Pitzer is shoe-optional”
A rep from Pitzer explained that this increase is a direct result of the movie Saltburn, which the whole office saw at the Laemmle as part of team bonding. “The middle class is capable of anything, they are out for revenge. If we reduce tuition, they might be able to come here without aid, which they don’t qualify for, of course”
What we all want to know is: when will it stop? How expensive can Pitzer get before it just becomes a country club?…oh wait country clubs only cost $50,000.