As the new school year approaches, 18-year-olds across the country will soon flood Bed, Bath, and Beyond in search of the perfect dorm decor, break up with their high school boyfriends, and learn how to do their own laundry. But having the cutest room on campus won’t matter if you’re still holding onto your childhood antics. Not to fear, though, the Golden Antlers is here with this years list of things you need to stop doing once you get to college!
1. Stop having your mom book your dentist appointments: Yes, you go twice a year when you’re home for summer and Christmas, but I think you’re capable of picking up the phone by now.
2. Stop sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs: You’ll be much more comfortable on your dorm mattress!
3. Stop taking your pet plunger with you to TNC: It may comfort you at night, and make a great hat and broomstick, but it’s time to get a LinkedIn profile and make real connections.
4. Stop expecting that you and your roommate will be mortal enemies and spend the entire year plotting to kill each other: There’s always a chance you’ll be friends. College is about learning to navigate all kinds of relationships.
5. Stop breastfeeding: You can’t expect to keep flying home whenever you’re hungry.
6. Stop saving your farts in jars “for later”: What are you waiting for?? This is college! The best time in your life! USE THEM!!
7. Stop relying on mind reading to do well on exams: You’re in the big leagues now – your professors are prepared. They won’t let you infiltrate their brains to get the answers on tests.
8. Stop faking your own violent death to avoid going to class: Either don’t sign up for any more 8 ams or stop hoping people will believe that you mysteriously die and come back to life twice a week.
9. Stop being the second fastest person in the state of Iowa to drink a gallon of Yoplait brand Go-Gurt: If you’re not first, you’re last, goddamnit, get your shit together.
10. Stop going to jail on beastiality charges for having sex with your pet stegosaurus: Don’t you want to graduate on time?
11. Stop being the soul of Kim Jong Un by living in his stomach as his undiscovered fetal twin: Let him run his own damn country for once! You could at least take Gov 50 first…
– Anya Deering PZ ’17
Wow this is pretty terrible…
“Satire” is NOT the same as a really bad joke.
There wasn’t a single second while reading this that I was even close to laughing. This was awful