Co-writer: Jeremy Martin
Hey guys! What’s up? I hope your career prospects are looking promising. Mine sure are! Watch and weep as I ride my Porsche straight into Satan’s scorching oblivion.
I really appreciate an organization with a concrete action plan: at 8:00 AM I’ll get an on-fire mace up my ass, at promptly 10:15 they’ll slap me silly until I say “PLEASE GOD NO CHRIST FUCK AUUUGHHHHH,” and at noon we’ll break for a 30 minute lunch! On Fridays, I can wear my jeans to work!
I hear in Hell they really prioritize recruiting team members who embody the three main ingredients of success: being a consultant, making money doing consulting, and making a lot of money doing consulting. For what it’s worth, I majored in Environmental Analysis!
Oh, what, you think you’re better than me just because you have an “actual job” and you “aren’t going to hell?” I just want a white-picket fence and a white-hot eternity of suffering.
I would never sell my soul to a company. I’ve sold it to the Devil already! Look, if there’s one thing I’m all about, it’s client retainment – and nothing says client retainment like an inescapable pit of flames.
There’s like, what, nine circles of Hell? I’ll only be in, like, tier 2 or 3 – unlike the politics majors, who are going straight to the bottom.
Suckers.
And before you try to cancel me, Hell is very sustainable. Infinite recycling of resources and whatnot? I don’t know, fuck you.
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