- Scream LOUD During a Chaplaincy Service
Which religious service? Doesn’t matter. You just have to be loud. GOD IS IN YOU! Let Her spirit move your voice. SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. Like a student introducing a guest speaker, you are significantly more important than the person who is supposed to be talking. Sing We are the World. Bite! Not only will you get posted on your college’s Instagram, but you will be written about, reread, and reinterpreted for centuries to come. Jesus was a heretic, now he’s on the five-dollar bill. You are Claremont. You are Christ.
- Storm Carnegie Again
Second time’s the charm!!! Gabi is going to think it’s soooooo funny! She’ll be like “Haha, round 2! You got me! Let’s take one for the gram!” After you get posted on the Gram, she’ll invite you to a shared governance session to make your voice heard, only for 1,000 Ninjas to descend for the SCC rafters and cut you to pieces with their #katanas. Your remains will be buried in the secret hole under Marston Quad. Your decomposing body will fertilize the grass for a photogenic, racially diverse friend group to lie upon.
- Be a goody two-shoes
Write vast quantities of math on a chalkboard, then take a photo standing in front, arms folded. You are Bill Gates, and your college’s Instagram is the Epstein Files. Apply for awards, scholarships, titles, monikers; write cover letters until your fingers are flaccid. Meet some juicy career cows (friends) and network by milking the supple udders of shared association.
This will fix your fuckass, chungus life. Studies show that people who are featured on their school’s social media are healthier, happier, and worth significantly more than those who are not. They have never felt a bad emotion ever. Do whatever it takes to join the coterie, the digitized, the grinning. Surely external validation will fill the bucket this time.