Dear Students,
I fucking hate food. All of it. Tapioca balls, the Shakedown, meat you can grab yourself in any portion. Ugh! Every night I lie awake thinking about how many meal swipes you greedy little piggies say you need. You people make me sick–you dirty eaters, you.
There are too many places to eat on campus! The only way I can bear to have Cafe 47 is if it benefits the Nestlé corporation in some way. Starbucks and I have so much in common; we both love fucking with workers! Plus those pink drinks are delish in my tum tum! Pink DRINKS. Not food.
I had to destroy Milk & Honey because boba is food pretending to be a drink. Just like how workers pretend they need jobs! Speaking of jobs, UGH, The Coop Fountain! I was going to nuke that shithole too! But nooo, you guys had to stop me. All of you big fat students want “free snacks” and “third spaces to sit and study.” Put down the sandwich, stand up from your computers, and get on the treadmill!
I have another plan. See this sandwich here? I’m going to kill this sandwich live on email. He was made at Frary dining hall during the noon lunch rush. His existence is an example of your gluttony; he wasn’t meant to be cobbled together by hubris in a desperate bid to get to class on time.
Sandwiches aren’t just food; they’re ham, lettuce, Wonder Bread, and mayonnaise. They’re lots of food at once! Can you imagine how fucking pissed off that makes me? It makes me want to kick a chair! Or shoot this sandwich! Ready…aim…you’re fired!
Thank you,
Bob