Speaking to the blondest reporter with the biggest breasts at his Mar-a-Lago residence in South Florida yesterday, President-Elect Donald Trump was effusive about his administration’s upcoming priorities: “I’m going to get away with anything they let me get away with, and that begins with grabbing inflation, and women, right by the balls. By the way, your pussy feels a lot like my daughter—beautiful.”
How could a man found civilly liable for sexual assault become President? Voters liked what they felt. Particularly Christian evangelicals. Many see Trump as the biblical King Midas, who was anointed by God to cover everything with gold. “His grabby fingers handled the economy like nobody else,” said advisor Kellyanne Conway, whose gilded pussy oozes glitter. Trump’s economic message also won over independents. “I wouldn’t let him date my son, but he could grope my wife and daughters every day of the week,” said Joe Plumber, a Biden-Trump voter.
Inflation was not the only reason voters chose Trump. It was also groping. In one NBC exit poll, Trump hit the demographic G-spot by winning women ages 45-65. How did this happen? Trump’s sex appeal. These women are sexually experienced voters, and were downright sodden at the thought of a Groper-In-Chief. Plus, they’re not too young to accidentally bear his seed, nor too old to be ugly and of no value to society. As all of Generation X said: “He’s famous—he should grab whatever he wants..”
In the past, grappling pussies was kept under wraps. Expect this Trump administration to be different. House Republicans are already drafting language in an omnibus spending bill that, among other things, would educate women on how best to be groped. It’s a stance on sexual education that would have been unthinkable to the fiscally conservative GOP of even the Bush era. “I fucking hate bushes,” summed Trump, who has a sickeningly slippery grasp on economics. Will any of this work? America can only grope.