Now that all you idiots have decided which dining halls to turn into war zones for the native students (sorry Mudd, Scripps), we at the Golden Antlers have done a widdle bit of investigawive journanawism.
Our goal? Finding out how to best maximize one’s 5C dining hall experience. Out of the indescribable horrors of three large freshman friend groups blocking foot traffic, knowledge emerged. Here’s what we found:
Hack #1: Most dining halls have something in them called “the Restroom”, which actually has food in there too, pre-digested!
Hack #2: Hoch Pumpkin Spice Soft Serve — with a secret human finger😋
Hack #3: Put the little green olives from the Collins Deli Bar on your fingers and touch people from under the bathroom stall (this is allowed!)
Hack #4: Bond with Leticia, the Malott gatekeeper, and she’ll take you to the back and show you where the REAL food is.
Hack #5: Apply pickled onion in hair to ward off evil
Hack #6: If you do a little digging, you can find free, nutrient-dense slop in the clogged gutter of any dining hall dish rack!
Hack #7: You can hit your protein goals by eating the entire Collins grill staff 🙂
Hack #8: Tell someone you’ve really got to poop and where is my mom and I have eczema right now and my earlobe is ringing and can you move out of the way?
Hack #9: Stuff random food into the Panini press and see what happens!
We recommend your entire Poke Bowl, McConnell Pasta, and Soft Serve <3
Hack #10: Take a bite out of a Diego, or, consume halal chicken covered in bacon (haram!)
Hack #11: Once the we all come back from fall break and the inevitable Claremont Cold outbreak sweeps through our student body, combine everything from the Mudd spice rack with your greenish mucus to make a paste for your boils.
Hack #12: The Saturn Burger… Any update if life is better on there? Yhu kno SZA b lyin’ sometimes🤷🤷♀️
Hack #13: The mushrooms at the Hoch make up bellay rilli bigg and make u brap. #gassyAlert #IBS
Hack #14: If you get Frary’s broccoli madness salad you will live forever! It’s the one with broccoli, mayo, pork, and raisins 😊 😊 😊 😊
Hack #15: No homo? Sate your sausage desire by gazing at the outline of Prometheus’ schlong in Frary.
Hack #16: At 1:50 AM on Saturdays, buy every protein shake at Jays and stand outside to resell to people with a 500% up charge
Hack #17: PUT BLUE CHEESE IN EVERYTHING SO IT TASTES LIKE DOGSHIT!!!!