Dear Academic Board of Pitzer College,
I am deeply disturbed to report that I have caught my own roommate, Megyn Grovestein-Hausberg, committing one of the most heinous and disturbing acts of academic dishonesty I have ever witnessed. When I came back from my third morning shower of the semester, I saw something unthinkable—their laptop open to Pinterest, search bar filled with two damning words: outfit inspiration.
I should’ve seen the signs. They bought headphones, but I don’t think they’ve ever listened to music before. I’ve never even seen them wearing them on their ears—just as a casual neck accessory. But worse, when they got leg warmers, they told me they were “just for a Halloween costume.” I watched the drips of sweat fall down their guilty face, and yet I believed them.
But this has gone too far. I can’t live in a life of fantasy anymore – this is real, and this is wrong. What’s next? Will they plagiarize my identity and have sex with my bangin’ girlfriend? Will they plagiarize a Saw movie and leave me locked and chained up in my dorm room? Or will they plagiarize the president and try to get me in trouble? Anything could happen, and I must take action before it’s too late.
While this was very jarring to me, I want to express that I am still doing okay. I’ve been doing well in all of my classes, and I’ve been getting 100% ever since I started copying and pasting from Chegg! I also hired some high schooler to write all of my essays, and they’ve been doing great. But I’m still worried—plagiarizing from Pinterest is unforgivable and is honestly the most serious form of cheating. Strom Thacker would be disgusted by this.
Though I know the normal punishment for this crime would be a two-week sentence to wear high school P.E. clothes, I think they might need a harsher sentence. After all, I don’t know just how long they have been keeping this disgusting facade up. I recommend immediate expulsion and a life sentence of wearing “business-casual.” Burn the rest—the oversized skater jeans, the bulky Shein rings, and their distressed “thrifted” sweaters. I’m Done.
Sincerely,
Eleanor Pinterest, PZ ‘27