LANGLEY, VA, 0700 hours – There’s a new boss in town! She’s the hottest new thing since “enhanced interrogation” and comes extraordinarily credentialed. A devout anti-communist and patriot, Agent Orange was approved by the Senate 88-2 yesterday to be the nation’s next CIA Director. Notably, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell praised her as “the perfect woman for the job,” praising her work as a carcinogenic defoliant whose veteran status would “keep American society strong and vibrant for years to come.”
Over the last several administrations, numerous controversies have engulfed the once-revered CIA. Internally, this has been to the detriment of employee job satisfaction and health. Orange intends to change that. In a brief statement, she detailed the need for a healthier workplace climate, alluding to numerous cultural challenges the agency hopes to address. “Back to basics. We need to be destroying more forests. That’s where the reds are hiding. No more of this lovey-dovey hippie B.S.”
The CIA faces many challenges going ahead. Agent Orange did not mince words. “We’re no longer in the fat years, when everyone had expense accounts and it seemed like any agent could go to a party and spray unwitting people with LSD.” She complained about inspector generals “breathing down the throat” of hardworking CIA employees who just want the latest spy gear, without worrying about record-keeping or constitutional liberties. Her work has been praised especially by former intelligence agency directors as, “setting up the global environment for iconic American successes.”
Notably, Director Orange has gotten excellent media attention. Her nomination has been well received by seemingly all prominent journalists with a public address, except for Phlegm Pennywatcher of the Wall Street Journal, who recently committed suicide by shooting herself in the head twice. Pennywatcher’s press coverage centered on Orange’s past leadership of the bungled Operation Waxwork, in which agents spent decades posing as wax figures at Madame Tussaud’s across the world in the hopes of catching Fidel Castro on vacation (to no avail). We at the Golden Antlers think Ms. Pennywatcher was quite negative, give her a clean bill of health.