In the week since God-Emperor Amy Marcus-Newhall’s coronation, she has established a cyber-Hegelian surveillance state to rule with an iron fist over the once-fertile liberal arts college.
Citing a need to “protect our students from anti-feminine ideas such as hard alcohol, hard drugs, and hard-ons,” Marcus-Newhall has transformed the walls surrounding the college into 10-foot high barbed-wire fences and declared war with Pitzer College. “WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT WAR WITH PITZER,” blared the headlines of The Scripps Voice (Well-Mannered Edition), the only media allowed behind the Rose Gold Curtain.
To investigate further, one of our intrepid reporters put on her best Scripps disguise (took off her bra) and snuck into Malott by taking one of the bowls from outside and pretending she already ate. Inside, she was able to pull a student aside and ask her about life under the Marcus-Newhall regime:
“At first, I thought it was weird that we weren’t being allowed to leave our dorms or wear skirts that exposed our calves,” said Jorjor Well, a Scrippsie who has been successfully brainwashed by Marcus-Newhall’s program of alcohol.edu-style courses and drugged Motley beverages.
“But now that I know all about a woman’s place in the world, I would never do something as unbecoming as drinking Jack Daniels or voting!”