Men aren’t dogs, officially. But I swear to God, you guys get your hair cut by the same guy who does hairless cats and dogs. It’s ruff out here. Our lord and savior Sir Mix-a-lot once said, “bark like you want it,” but honestly… some of your haircuts recently are making me feel like I have rabies. I thought I would try to articulate this in a way your frail animalistic male minds the way you look and make me think when you go out in public (don’t worry there’s pictures!!!).
The Rottweiler
You look like I shouldn’t be anywhere within 20 feet of you or your home (and I won’t be!). I know your econ prof has the same haircut and your mommy told you it made you look handsome, but the only way a woman would get intimate with you is if you were a literal dog at a breeder.
Chihuahua
Ego is big, but just like a chihuahua something else is small (and your baggy pants don’t hide it). Sorry men of Pitzer and philosophy majors of Pomona but that matcha and fuckass thrifted mens xxxxxxxxxxlllllll shirt ain’t fooling no one.
Doberman
The classic doberman fear mongerer. You got the haircut to feel powerful and like an “alpha male,” but in ten years when you lose all your dads money in the crypto markets I think the last thing you should be thinking about is how much hair gel to use. (You should probably go to class CMCer).
Golden Retriever
The golden retriever cut. you look harmless enough, but unlike the dog you are not a “highly intelligent and trainable breed.” P.S. messy hair does not mean your entire body has to smell.
God’s Flaw
Nature made a mistake. Both a small and a large mistake in many regards. Please. For. the. Love. Of. God. Stop. Go away. Leave. I’m gonna start crying.
German Shepherd
The German Shepherd. You come from a long line of rich assholes and country club memberships, but hey thats okay I’m sure the one book by Virgina Woolf that you read and your painted nails cancels it all out. Also like the German Shepherd your intense pedigree has left some pretty significant physical shortcomings (if you catch my drift)
Small (Bad)
Small and ugly. Find another barber who doesn’t do your grandpa’s three-strands-of-hair-combover.
Small (Worse)
Small, ugly, and aggressive. Your hair looks like it would bite me, and, no, I don’t want to hear about your hockey/lacrosse/baseball/water polo/football/basketball team or if you don’t go to cmc your pottery/feminist studies class/theater/cinema class.
Hell Hound
You belong behind the gated depths of hell, you should not see the light of day. (This includes all variations of the buzz including the Pitzer dyed with patterns buzz, the CMC business club hazing creations, the Pomona “experimenting with my style,” and the Harvey Mudd “I didn’t want to deal with my hair any more.”)
Like all these dogs, I’m sure there’s some exceptions. But remember, while it might not be all men…its certainly a lot of them. And boys, if you felt personally attacked by this article:
a) get a barber who says no and
b) stop letting your emotions get the better of you 💕💕💕💕
XOXO, Your favorite woman.