Breaking News: Campus Security Officer Steve Smith has recently admitted to having a slight boner while on duty at Monday’s fountain party. Fountain Party is a yearly event where seniors celebrate their ability to bullshit 48 pages of writing. (Alternately, a yearly event where underclassmen celebrate the conclusion of nine months of reading whiny status updates on their newsfeeds.)
According to the official Campus Safety Report, Officer Smith was “just doing [his] job” when the song switched to “Get Lucky” By Daft Punk. At that point, one William Dodds and one Doggy-Paddle Vaughn began to move their hips in unison on top of fountain number two. After approximately one minute, Ethan Gilbert joined in and, in his excitement, began to Coug Call to the beat.
Officer Smith had reportedly been calmly monitoring the situation when Mr. Gilbert sent him over the edge. Multiple eyewitnesses report a slight bulge in Mr. Smith’s shorts which he promptly tried to cover with a casual leg cross. However, according to several sources, the damage had already been done.
According to Golden Antlers Forum spy and party attendee Sean McKing, “ I measured thee, maybe four, inches of definite erection. Frankly, I don’t blame him; most of the guys had already taped down our stiffies. Officer Smith just didn’t plan ahead.”
Others on campus were not so forgiving. The Students For Justice in your Pants released the following statement:
We are completely appalled by this incident. SJP understands if a student gets slightly aroused at a party, CMC students are pretty hot after all, but we hold our security officers to a higher standard. I don’t care if Mary Spellwoman slathers Jelly all over Hiram’s thighs in the middle of Seal Pond, 3-4 inches is unacceptable. SJP demands proof that Officer Smith can at least double that number! Oh and also we want 69 Ath talks per year…
In any case CMC, we will keep you updated on this emerging sex scandal as more details come out, but in the meantime remember that Pirate Party is coming up and double layering is totally socially acceptable.
– Ender Wiggin CMC ’15