The Watergate Scandal taught our nation that the truth is often dangerous, hard to hear, and concealed by the powers that be. As journalists, it is our sacred calling to spread this truth, no matter what. The Golden Antlers prides itself as an outlet of integrity. We follow in the footsteps of brave Washington Post reporters who “Deep Throated” Nixon. All this said, we are obligated to announce to the 5Cs and America that, as of writing, we know for a fact that Cecil Sagehen shot and killed John F. Kennedy.
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On that fateful Dallas afternoon in 1963, a blue and orange bird strutted into Dealy Plaza with one goal in mind: to shoot the 35th president of the United States in the face with a gun. This bird—Pomona College’s mascot—hated Kennedy. Cecil, a strong supporter of Fidel Castro, despised Kennedy’s Operation Mongoose both for its hostility toward Cuba and its appropriation of avian iconography. Cecil had taken a break from cheering on football teams and reveling in the nescient final five years of Pomona College’s sex segregation, to fly to Texas. Upon landing, he quickly assembled a simple Mannlicher-Carcano 6.5×52mm rifle before taking to the streets. They sent that Irish-Catholic bastard to hell!
After Kennedy was pronounced dead, Cecil attempted to flee the scene, but their big ass feet got in the way and they were nearly apprehended by law enforcement. However, the sagehen quickly used their pantomiming charm and salacious abdominals to divert the attention of the authorities to Lee Harvey Oswald, who was innocently sitting on a sixth floor window in perfect view of the President’s motorcade with a long range weapon. Oswalt was detained and prosecuted. To think, if the truth had been exposed sooner, an innocent man would still be walking free. Yes, you read that right—Lee Harvey Oswald’s only crime was being uglier than Cecil the Sagehen.
Cecil the Sagehen has not faced accountability for their crimes against humanity, and more importantly, America. Instead, they gleefully greet students in various different TikToks and reels. They march through the gates of our college in parade, mocking the calamitous motorcade they disrupted all those years ago. We at the Golden Antlers encourage you to not let this stand. It is an outrageous crime that this cold blooded killer is free to hand out candy grams and continue wearing stylish floral overshirts. We need collective action. We need justice. Please repost this article on your story and do nothing else.