As Finals Week 2013 kicks off for students of the Claremont Consortium, Golden Antlers analysts have detected an increasingly negative trend on the rise. With the increase in paper writing and exam studying, Ritalin and Adderall have resurfaced on campus. Yet the problem lies mainly in each school’s response. Most CMCers have resorted to cocaine, because “it’s what all the fancy Wall Streeters do, right?” Bro tank wearing Econ majors have laced their cocaine with pre-workout mix, because there’s nothing better than that sweet, sweet burn that reading Muhammad Yunus while benching three times your body weight gives you.
Thankfully, the Scripps administration has granted all its students honorary Associate’s Degrees in Nursing in order to tend to the hundreds of CMC’ers experiencing nausea, nervous tics, and an increased appreciation for Pitbull.
The feud over drugs has actually taken a toll on neighboring areas’ perceptions of Claremont, with a citizen of the City of Pomona having been quoted as saying “Yeahhh, Claremont… It’s not what it used to be. I don’t tend to go over there anymore. It’s sort of the Detroit of the Inland Empire, but with more pretention.”
5C administrations are also running out of options, after discovering that Campus Security was letting students at parties do whatever drug they chose, just so long as they didn’t bring it with them in anything but a red cup. Multiple reports have surfaced from eye witnesses claiming that an unnamed student attempted to enter TNC with a gallon full of PCP (Phenylcyclohexylpiperidine). Said student was told that he would not be able to enter the premises until he “chugged the rest of that.” After chugging the remaining 3.7 liters, the student in question entered TNC and died. Obviously.
Numerous Mexican international students have decided to return home, preferring to take the chance that they might be kidnapped by a vicious drug cartel over watching a group of Mudders snort chopped up $100 bills from their future salaries or Pitzer students getting any more mellow than they already are.
The only benefit from this drug ordeal has been seen by CMC students, who are trying to graph and quantify the black market for illicit drugs, resorting to selling focus-flavored Vitamin Water and low-calorie options of Red Bull and NOS, because too much sugar would hurt the goddamn incredible body you get from cocaine.
– Ben Turner CMC ’16