Dear Outlook,
What the fuck do you think I’m trying to spell? Here I am, trying to write an email to my college advisor, and suddenly I find myself in a predicament: I cannot spell either of my majors. Now you may be asking why I am majoring in two things I cannot spell easily, but I counter you with the horrible spell checking system of Outlook; the supposedly premier mailing system coded by the sadists at Microsoft and selected by my dubious college admin. This lame excuse for software tries to correct my spelling in the worst way possible.
My Philopshy and Neurosicene majors are not your witch to burn. I am not your pariah, Bill Gates. Why the fuck would you think I’m trying to spell Philo-shy or Philpot? I am 90% sure that those are not real words. I couldn’t even put a dash in between them to make them real. And no, I don’t want to “add to the dictionary,” they have enough words already. Google the word for me? That’s basically announcing to my lecture class that I am a certified dunce who definitely was homeschooled and missed out on around 5 years of learning how to spell.
Here’s the worst part: not only are the suggestions wrong, they are given to me around a minute and a half after I write them. Isn’t the whole point of sending mail digitally to have immediate feedback and exposure? Why don’t I just send my PERM request through a Burmese mountain dog with a barrel attached to its collar? You have made an enemy today, Microsoft. I will take my misspelled words over to Yahoo, AOL, and EarthLink Mail and see how you like it. For my personal friends, please reach me now at camiledh@earthlink.net or the Jeremy Renner app.