Freshman Jake Beeker has finally found the perfect internship opportunity for this summer. “I want to go abroad and experience a new culture, while still focusing on my career goal of working at a fast moving start-up and playing a variety of hands on roles,” says the prospective Philosophy, Politics, and Economics major. “Interning in an international rotational position for ISIS seems like the perfect way to achieve those goals.”
At the end of the day, Beeker, like so many other CMC students, just really wants to change the world. Through their various social media channels and on campus info sessions, ISIS recruiters have stressed how joining the Islamic State means helping create a new future for a small population of Sunni adult males. “I want to work on the very cutting edge of things, which mean Google, Space X, or ISIS,” says Beeker. “When ISIS guaranteed that I’d be able to work in Syria, Iraq, and at least two more former states by this summer, it was a no brainer.”
“I know ISIS has done some mildly questionable stuff over there,” he continues, “but I respect an organization that plays to win. I mean look at Uber, those guys would undoubtedly pillage the living shit out of another ethnic group if they thought it would give them a leg up on Lyft. As I learned in my high school econ class, capitalism is not perfect, but it’s very close.“
Beeker lauds CMC for being exceptionally supportive of his internship progress. “Career Services helped me prepare a great cover letter that highlighted what made me a uniquely suited candidate for an internship that would require teamwork, leadership, and the blood of innocents. My career counselor not only taught me how to focus on the leadership role I played as captain of my high school’s JV soccer team but also how to use humor (in this case a pun about common Khurdesy) to relax the mood in my interviews!”
While funding results haven’t been announced yet, it’s widely expected that Beeker will be the recipient of McKenna International Summer Internship Financial Support along with possible additional funding from the Rose and KLI. While he is slightly nervous about the length of the INT 199 paper, he believes his professor recommended a great topic involving severed heads and their practical applications.
Despite his current excitement, it hasn’t always been sunshine and up and coming caliphates for Beeker. His best friend John Doe admits that he is a bit worried about his new-found bro friend. “Yes, I’m excited for Jake, no question,” says Doe. “I’m just worried that he might be rushing things a bit. He has been feeling the CMC internship pressure ever since WOA, and I think he might have rushed into something just because it’s such a hot name on campus. I also think he hooked up with one of the new deans at Party Prison TNC… Just saying.”
According to Golden Antlers sources, Beeker has also been seen shamelessly promoting himself at the CMC Accounting and Finance Night last week. We were told that Beeker plans on leveraging his ISIS offer into a consulting gig next summer, followed by a role in investment banking next next summer.
– Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, with help from Christie Kweon SCR ’15 and Jacksón Smith
Note: The Golden Antlers does not support or approve any actions taken by ISIS. We apologize for anyone who might take offense to the views expressed in this piece of satire.