Dear Claremont Colleges,
Haha, were you on a hike?? Crazy to see you here… I found you through the wifi!
I’m asking you as your President—PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE fill out my psych survey!!! I need to get an A in Neuroscience. If you don’t take it, you might mess up my Christmas bonus!!! This year’s survey is a little different from 2019. Back then, we asked some bullshit about how to make Pomona College a welcoming and inclusive campus, where mutual respect, dialogue, and civility are valued. This time, if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself, queer.
PLEASE HELP THE GABSTER OUT. This is your chance to shape our future, if “our future” means picking out what I get on Christmas, besides my daily rate of $2,822.01. You decide! There are a few options. My little dog needs a haircut. Also, the invisible bodyguard the Board gave me—so I could feel safe in Frary—hasn’t said a word to me! I think he is defective. I’d like a friendlier one, and also, we are out of handcuffs. Vice President Avis Hinkson used them all on students entering Alexander Hall without an appointment. The handcuffs come in ruby and black, and are one-size-fits-20.
Help Pomona College break a new response record. If we can get three, Gabs gets her bonus! I tried to make the questions engaging. My favorite question is the first one: “Why is Gabi Starr so awesome?” The only answer is yes, and it’s mandatory. I’m really proud of myself and Pomona. To make sure everyone has equal access to respond, I’ve partnered with ASPC to release the survey in the best way they know how — sometime in the afternoon (unspecified). Spots fill up quick!
If you are a current student, I politely request that you graduate right now. Please do not contaminate the data with your institutional memory of my misdeeds and strategic fuckups. If you can find a prospective student to fill it out (they like me so much more!), I will give you anything. A $10 Coop Store Gift Card. A signed diploma. A magna cum laude. A Sontag suite all to yourself, while you figure out housing in Brooklyn. Let’s negotiate!
This holiday season, remember empathy. Be empathetic to the people who matter most—me. My job has been difficult for myself and the college. I have been doing a lot of hard work making your life better. Every night someone has to turn on one lamp in the President’s House to pretend I still live there. They even put up a wreath! I would really appreciate it if you responded somewhere on the survey that the college should buy me another home. I think I’ve earned it. Pomona opens doors, to my new, new house; we don’t close them.
Sincerely,
G. Gabrielle Starr
President of the Claremont Colleges