Goodwill to Take Legal Action Against Scripps College Citing “A Profuse and Threatening Number of Used Dildo Donations’

Earlier this week, Scripps College announced that they would move forward in the process of getting rid of all our shit. In a characteristically awful move, Scripps has now forced students to decide between having all of their belongings shipped to their home residence or donated. Fearing for their possessions which have been in storage since March, students responded immediately with hard-hitting questions like “is my fish still okay?” and “how many droplets of soul nectar will President Tiedens glean from the suffering she has caused us with this decision?”

This situation has led to a mass donation of student belongings to the Goodwill of Southern California. While some of the items Goodwill received are helpful like the 30 mini fridges and the 459 copies of Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, not all were deemed appropriate. According to the donation inventory table released by Goodwill’s legal team, roughly 80% of the donation was comprised of confirmed, suspected, or feared sex-related items.

Note: Table represents inventory taken from the first three boxes donated by Scripps.

When asked about the nature of the impending legal proceedings, the spokesperson for the Goodwill legal team described the plan as “more of a plea for mercy than anything else.” In their response to our inquiry, they also noted that “none of us believe in God anymore, not since that first box.” Scripps ResLife could not be reached for comment.