to: boardoftrustees@pomona.edu
cc: army@thearmy.gov, no-reply@shsmonsour.die
Dear Board, Armed Forces, and social services,
Please let me know if this is a good email to send out to upset students. My favorite missile wrote it! He is so nice : )
“Divesting from companies that produce AGM-114 Hellfire Missiles is clearly a position too extreme for our institution. So pretty pretty pleaaaaaaaseeee stop it with the encampments. You’re making me feel kinda bad about exploding!!! (by exploding I of course mean providing a safe space for all on campus by opening doors and not closing them).”
“What if we took a pluralistic approach? Instead of saying ‘Boeing’s hellfire missiles are killing people,’ let’s say ‘boeing’s hellfire missiles make my flight home on a boeing airplane possible’ or ‘divesting from hellfire missiles would make them sad.’”
“It’s also important to remember that encampments are VERY dangerous. I’m just a missile doing my job! If I had my way I would’ve just blown up all of Alexander Hall the second I heard about the protest, which would’ve been much safer than letting masked thugs sit peacefully in a room.
Compare them to me: a multi-purpose warhead with metal augmented charge blast fragmentation—I’m wholesome fun. God I hate structures! Shoutout rubble! We gotta keep big fucking weapons of doom like myself employed. Disagree? JAIL!”
“This is why Pomona College’s laser-guided morals will always be locked on to big-peace’s evil adgenda. We are an institution that invites protected speech, so that when people use it, I can blow them to smithereens. What can I say? The military industrial complex isn’t just my job, it’s my passion.”
Bombs away!
~President Gabriella Starr