Nazi Statue at Scripps Was Just Following Orders

Recent controversy has arisen over a statue in the Tiernan Field House at Scripps College, which was removed on March 30th, 2023. The statue, titled “Young Woman,” was created by a German sculptor (and definitely not Nazi) Georg Kolbe. Although there are no sources confirming Kolbe’s political affiliations, his works earned him a place on Hitler’s Gottbegnadeten list. Surely, a coincident.

The statue itself had many thoughts to share. “I’m flattered,” it said. “I mean, Hitler was a horrible person and I disagree with him. But like, it’s still kind of cool I got on that list.” Kolbe may have contributed to the Aryan fantasy pre-WWII, but he redeemed himself after the war by making public works for the German people that also contributed to the Aryan fantasy.

A student movement (which one, we don’t know) responded to this statue sent emails to former President Suzanne Keen, and then President Amy Marcus Newhall. Days later, President Newhall sent an email informing students that the statue would be immediately removed from the Tiernan Field House.

“This is worse than the Nuremberg Laws,” said the statue, “or the Nuremberg Trials. That’s what I meant. So confusing. I don’t care about the Nuremberg Laws because they didn’t affect me and there was no cute instagram infographic to repost about it.”

According to Scripps administration, the statue was officially removed because of its “latent reinforcement of body image stereotypes,” after students reported feeling sick to their stomachs — a clear indication of them feeling unconfident next to the statue’s amazing, hot body, and definitely not being upset about Kolbe’s potential Nazi background.

Administration is investigating whether Kolbe himself had any ties to the Nazi party, because the fact that Hitler put his art on his fancy list isn’t reason enough for us not to want it around. “We need to look through the conflicting historical evidence before taking any action,” the administration reported. “Some sources say he may not have actually been a Nazi, but a National Socialist.”

“We are working to gather input from multiple experts and parties, including faculty from our Art, Art History, and German departments,” stated President Newhall in an email to students. “Please do not ask where our Jewish studies department went.”

“Furthermore, we would like to thank the members of our board of trustees for assisting us in this process: Wilhelm Franke, Ingrid Von Klaus, Monika Schulz, and Gunter Hibler.”

It’s possible that despite not being a Nazi himself, the Nazis “appropriated” Kolbe’s style, which means it’s okay to display his art. To replace the statue and commemorate symbols appropriated by the Nazis, Scripps will be proudly unveiling the statue’s replacement: a giant, marble Swastika.