I hope you’re enjoying your lunch here in Seal Court! I’m going to smoke a cigarette now; it will be awesome for everyone. I might even vape, too.
I’m not addicted to nicotine, I’m addicted to the juxtaposition of tradition and the digital age at the same time—you wouldn’t understand.
This little piggy needs a little ciggy to get through the day, just like people with silly straw spines (scoliosis) need a brace. You can’t tell me no! Honestly, it’s kind of ableist to say I can’t smoke here, it’s like kicking someone off a wheelchair, and then doing sick tricks with it at the skate park.
Remember, my liberty to smoke my cigarette ends where I want it to, and I don’t EVER want it to end. When I smoke, that is my cigarette’s free speech. Let it talk, let it fill the courtyard with its mirth, let it live. Let my cigarette dialogue with the turtles—you could learn from it.
Smoke is part of so many beautiful things—brisket, some churches, the rest. You don’t even need to smoke a cigarette to enjoy it, either. Second-hand smoke is even better because it’s thrifted). Me smoking here is a gift! I am making the world more colorful and environmentally friendly. Say thank you.
When I smoke in Seal Court I try my hardest to be near people eating their food. They thank me through raspy coughs — “More! More! More!” The sounds people make when I smoke in Seal Court are beautiful. Pure music! A nicotine symphony! Mahler, or Lana Del Rey—I bet you don’t understand either. At least not like I do. Do you even know what esoteric means? That’s what I am.
For the record… some other places I am allowed to smoke: in a NICU baby incubator, inside the Coop Fountain, in my room, in your room, in a cube, in the Cube, in the tunnels, in my bed, outside your dorm window, in the courtyards, in Carnegie Hall, in office hours with my pregnant professor, in Jay’s Place, in Denison Library, inside SHS, at Honnold-Mudd, at Tiernan, on your cat, underwater at the pool (Haldeman), around the block, and around the clock.
Thank God I’m allowed to smoke anywhere I want and no person or sign can ever take that away from me.
Co-writing credit to Luke B. for jokes and structural advice.