The Claremont Colleges are a gift. Our education is a gift. The classes we take are a gift. Especially at these small liberal arts schools, where you can count friends, lovers, and Hinge matches as academic companions. But even with all that opportunity, there is one thing that is not a gift, unless you define a gift as something terrible. That hideous thing is classroom discourse.
Everyone hates class discourse. Some people straight up suck. Others waste air talking, without having done the reading. Even people who do the readings are frequently not interesting or pretty enough to make class attendance worth it. There is only one solution to this conundrum—pitchforks and torches. In America, change is only possible with the brutal spectacle of violence.
Pitchforks are the perfect addition to any discussion. The sharpest mind is weak compared to my pitchfork. If I had one in class, I’d poke and prod at arguments (and people) until they bleed! Sometimes, I imagine how my pitchfork would “shovel up” (brutally disembowel) their verbal manure. This is what I dream about after 100 minutes of seminar, or when some people talk about the Soviet Union. Then I set them on fire—in my mind, for now—with my torch.
Some people agree with pitchforks, but disagree with torches. They say that some departments already have people on fire—with ideas. Have you ever taken philosophy at Pomona? Philosophy students have, and they ruin class discussions all the time. Like when they do strawman arguments, or play “Devil’s Advocate.” With a big big torch, I would burn their strawman body straight to Hell, just like the Devil will. Torches should be everywhere!
In many countries, like Washington D.C., academic study carries the threat of death. We should be taking notes. There should be a mob of students in every class, ready to beat the shit out of each other if they disagree. Objectively reasonable? Yes. I do not condone violence. There is a responsibility for everyone to maintain the peace. But if I don’t like you or your words, it is time for you to die.