CLAREMONT, CA. Local bro Mike Gnarles, responded to allegations of “probably sexual assault” and being a “creepy af dude, girls stay away for your own good” this evening on newcomer social app YikYak. The allegations came as a shock to the Senior, who says the dozens and dozens of posts outlining somewhat specific acts of “sketchy shit” are completely, 100 percent fabricated. The anonymous posts, many receiving dozens, even hundreds of upvotes, were “completely unforeseen.”
The alleged accused student defended himself, saying, “these are all false reports.” He continued “Somehow, despite there being only a couple hundred false reports in the U.S. each year, I can only conclude that every single one of those false claims hap
pens to be about me. It’s statistically improbable, but I swear it’s true [EDITOR’S NOTE: allegedly].”
The alleged doer of alleged assaults, known around the community for his charming smile and firm grip, politely asked students who felt wronged to come find him and sort this out in person. “Seriously, stop hiding behind a veil of anonymity. I simply don’t understand why you wouldn’t do this face to face. We can meet up in my room, just the two of us, maybe have a couple of drinks and talk it out.”
Not all students were quick to attack Gnarles. Several anonymous posters leapt to his defense. “No need for a witch hunt,” wrote students who recently plastered their campus with “Fire the Dean” signs after police were called to a party where multiple students were assaulted. “Let’s be fair here. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.” Gnarles denied that he allegedly posted these comments himself.
Gnarles reported that he found the experience of getting doxxed on YikYak “incredibly upsetting” and “emotionally disruptive,” comparing it to the way people must feel when going through the process of filing an official sexual assault complaint with school leadership and having no one follow up on it.
Gnarles explained that the cyber assault he suffered on the anonymous social networking app is akin to cyberbullying and asked that the nearly two hundred people who independently and motivelessly united to make him feel bad consider the fact that they had used his real name without his consent. “We live in a culture where these patterns of behavior — dozens of people accusing you of sexual assault without your consent — are all but encouraged. I feel so violated.”
Friends of the alleged “creepy dickwad”, who describe Gnarles as “yuh-know…” have jumped to his defense. “He was just bein’ Mike… doin’ Mike things. Allegedly.”
In unrelated news, Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen is seeking crowdfunding to revive his popular TV show “To Catch a Predator”.
– Liat Kaplan CMC ‘17, Sam Pitcavage CMC ‘15, and Clancy Tripp CMC ‘15
I Neel at the timelinesS and cleverness of this article.
Careful, or you might get Sood
Okay, so everyone knows who this article is referencing. I’m all for taking action and seeing repercussions, but can we tone down the public shaming until he is more than just ‘allegedly’ guilty? I would hate to see this happen to someone who is truly innocent (not saying that he is in this case).