FUCK! All these quick-fingered libs keep pissing me off!! Everybody starts saying “bye” and “thank you”or whatever and I gotta close my 8 tabs of minesweeper to click the x in time! I’m so fucking stupid!!! Everybody is pouring out like a dam just broke! Traffic is gonna be awful on the way home. Now look, it’s just me and the host. I guess we have to share a big, sloppy kiss now!
This is always happening to me! It’s so unfair!!! My chubby little fingers take a second too long to press the bye button and now I’m staring into the wet, wet eyes of the host. And then they say: “Okay, you took the longest to leave, so now you have to stay back and give me a sloppy kiss!” and then I’m totally slobbering all over the camera. It’s even worse when it’s in breakout groups since I only get like a minute to wipe off my slime!
Now, you might be wondering: “Why don’t you just leave the Zoom call or close the window or something if you hate it so much???” You don’t get it. If Obama offered to shake your hand, you’d probably do it, even though he did That™ to Yemen and fucked up the public school lunches. Why is it any different when the host catches you and says, “Gotcha! I didn’t even brush my teeth this morning…” and totally starts macking it with the camera!
I don’t even LIKE Zoom calls (mostly because of the sloppy kissing stuff), but I’m always getting put into them. And it happens every time! During the ‘Learn about Business at JP Morgan’ talk the host was all like, “Don’t tell my wife!!!” even though he had spit all over his beard. During the pre-law Raising Canes mixer the prof in charge was all like “Open up! And I have advising slots open for slow little freaks like you.” Whatever!!!!
If anyone has any recommendations on what I should do, PLEASE reach out. And NOT over Zoom; I’ve got enough slobber all over my screen for the week!
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