A lot of opinions are far-fetched and invite lots of debate. For instance, not giving meth to children. Letting women vote. Or, if you’ve pissed your pants for the last time. But I will die on one hill: you will die.
You can deny that your body will soon be molting scum, but it won’t change reality. I don’t mean to scare you. I don’t mean to make you drop your cigarette on the floor and ignite all your strewn-about “nudie mags.” But you deserve to know that one day, you will just be epidermal nothingness, the remnants of soul slough.
Think about the leaders of our past—Ellen Degeneres, Alexander the Great, Abraham Lincoln, Mr. Peanut. We don’t know where they’ve gone, but I bet you haven’t seen them in a while. Some might say they’ve all just had severe diarrhea for years and years, but if that was the case, we’d probably know—no one with diarrhea can stay quiet that long. They’re probably dead, like you definitely will be.
I don’t believe in myself, the moon landing, or Ed Sheeran’s basic human rights. But I do believe one thing, with all of my heart: you are going to die. And if you don’t believe me… Jesus Christ, it’s 2024. I bet someone already died this year!