Last weekend, what was supposed to be a pivotal trip for Pitzer’s infamous “Balancing Club” became something else entirely! After spending the past three years misidentifying constellations and interviewing cacti she/they mistook for people, formerly missing student Nova Sandalweed was discovered near the El Mirage lakebed.
Due to hallucinations caused by a limited diet of cold air and cactus spikes, she/they claims to have been in the desert 1,042.86 fortnites. During this time Sandalweed reports having lost God, then finding *her* under a rock, discovering her/their previously under-utilized beat-boxing skills, and solving the three-body problem. Notably, she/they still don’t know how to balance.
Though Sandalweed managed to find an answer to the question “Can you drive me to Balancing Club?,” she/they ultimately failed to answer the more important question “Can you drive me back from Balancing Club?” It is unclear when Sandalweed realized she/they had been left behind to embark on this extended “trip,” with her/them stating “I thought everyone had just become translucent, I didn’t realize everyone had left.”
Being left with only a sleeping bag and a bushel of shrooms, Sandalweed decided she/they would spend the semester studying abroad in “Wonderland,” which her/their wealthy parents from the Bay loved. She/they says that her/their interactions with the “hat man” whilst abroad inspired her/them to start designing her/their own line of crocheted bucket hats.
Sandalweed is on track to graduate only a year late, as she/they has been granted independent study credit for her/their ethnography on anxious roadrunners and her/their geometrical analysis of the cracks found on dry-lakebeds. She/they has declared her/their self-designed major, desert, and is minoring in mycology.