Playing Angry Birds while someone’s college enrollment, financial well-being, and personhood hung in the balance was losing its excitement. But there was hope. As the winter solstice approached, the lines between the spirit and physical realms grew thinner. So too did the lines between justice, repression, and 7th-grade Mock Trial. This season was the perfect time for the Judicial Council (JBoard) to make prosecuting their peers exciting again, by reaching behind the mortal curtain and contacting The Spirit of the Bored Himself: Joseph McCarthy.
To summon McCarthy and his restorative justice standards, JBoard obtained the following ingredients:
| INGREDIENT | PURPOSE |
| Powdered wigs!!! 🤪 | To look like fancy judges. |
| “Suits” Seasons 5 on Blue-Ray. | Lawyer show! Me lawyer too! |
| At least (1) hand. | Self-back patting. |
| A friendly email threatening sanctions. | Invoking the Senate Un-American Activities Committee. |
| Tears of the innocent. | For Senator McCarthy to pair with his big bottle of vodka. |
| Any flag that’s scary. | To excite him. |
| Any book that’s scary. | To excite him. |
| Any Red that’s scary. | To arouse him. |
| A career in corporate law. | To impress McCarthy and Dad’s law firm partners. |
| Finger(s) to point. | The Senator’s favorite activity. |
The students of JBoard crowded around in a semicircle. Most séances use a circle, but that shape is too inviting and equal. By immediately setting up a hostile court environment, JBoard sought to make a good first impression with McCarthy. After lighting fake housing-code-approved candles provided by the *cough* Pomona Admin *cough*, they locked their paws together. If this summoning worked, it would be even more exciting than punishing activists.
“Sen-a-tor Mc-Cart-hy, come to us in our time of need,” they chanted, sounding out the syllables just to make sure at least one judicial sentence they put out was correct. Then… BOOM! FLASH! GAVEL SOUND! The sickly apparition of Honorable Joe appeared, deathly white as a Republican Senator from Wisconsin in the 1950s.
The Chair of Jboard was terrified! What would the admin think about their improper use of funds?! The council had already eaten two bags of chips today for Christ’s sake!! Oh, and also AHHHGHHGHH IT’S THE GHOST OF JOE MCCARTHY!!!! What if this strong authority figure hated them? JBoard took itself seriously as the sloppy seconds of Pomona’s Witch Hunt Task Force, but what if they weren’t good enough?
Lucky for them, Joseph McCarthy was relieved to take a break from hell. “Ho ho ho, don’t worry, young friends, I’m here to help! As someone who threatened the livelihood of hundreds of academics, I couldn’t be more proud of everything that has happened here,” the drunk SPF 100,000 ghost said. “Remember, whether it be with me or Pomona College’s administration, your job is to listen when we say bark for Mommy.”
“Meow,” responded an allegorical, unnamed council member, glancing up from ChatGPT. “Erm, yes, exactly! You need to control the narrative.” “Sooooo like, a strongly worded email about how activists should be weawwy weawwy sowwy?” another invented and unnamed council member said. McCarthy pondered the question indecently, “Does that erode civil liberties nowadays?”
Tragically, before he could impart more of his wisdom, the Former Senator saw two council members sharing their last bag of college-funded Doritos. Wait a minute… sharing was a communist game! Could they be betraying him? Red Doritos…hmmmm…red….hmmmm Red Scare…hmmm..Red Scare podcast hmmmm…wait no, go back…The Red Scare, yes, that! How close were they to figuring him out? Was his and the Pomona Admin’s fearmongering still not enough to keep even JBoard loyal? Was there….GASP….still a dirty red beating heart inside of these carefully conditioned pawns?! The Senator couldn’t take it; he had a ghost aneurysm, and died again. Another ghost redundantly floated out of the previous ghost like an enemy within.
Witnessing a man die instantly at the sight of Doritos changed something in the hearts of the Judical Council members. “Justice,” they thought, “Justice…justus…just us. Whoa.” Suddenly, roleplaying the suppression of dissent had lost its virtue. Perhaps instead, to cure their boredom, they could roleplay something even more outrageous: a student judicial system that didn’t help punish activists for standing inside of a building. More importantly, McCarthy has violated the rules, which clearly state that it is not acceptable to avoid a JBoard hearing under any circumstance, even death. With his ghost’s ghost floating before them, Jboard declared McCarthy Responsible for Failure to Comply.
Editing help and some conceptual work/writing from Luke B.