Following the death of campus legend and sex symbol Charlie Kirk, CMC announces plans to rebrand to Charlie Kirk College (CKC).
“As part of our commitment to making campus a safe space for our diverse student body, we are rebranding to Charlie Kirk College. We are in the process of making a few key changes to ensure that campus is a safe environment for everyone whose houses have been featured on McMansion Hell, brings Gucci backpacks to orientation, and/or doesn’t know what FAFSA is,” Big Daddy Hiram Chodosh announced.
The key changes include:
Instituting 9/11, the date of the vigil, as a campus-wide “Never Again” day of remembrance
Razing the Nucleus to create a Tesla supercharger
Creating a vaguely phallic statue out of rusted car parts in his memory
Constructing a Big Beautiful Wall to block out the Intolerant Left
Using Integrated Sciences funding to create an AI Charlie Kirk Therapist
“At CMC, we are committed to free speech for all that make more than $200,000 a year. We hope that these changes will bring students together, and we are totally not doing this so that Trump will finally grace us with his presence at an Ath talk,” Chodosh stated.