CLAREMONT, CA – Pomona College, taking out a full page ad in the Los Angeles Times, has pledged to “fully cooperate” with congressional efforts to eradicate mirth, love, and safety in US colleges. This follows a March 27 letter from the House Committee on Education and the Workforce, in which the committee’s four co-chairs—Pestilence (R-ID), War (R-PA), Famine (R-CA), and Death (R-NY)—demanded the records of any Pomona student who may have committed “thought crimes.”
Pomona was recently one of 60 elitist colleges to be threatened by the forces of eternal damnation. On March 10, a poisonous, smoking scroll was dropped off at the President’s Office by a murder of featherless crows, each crow having the eyes of a dead dog. In the scroll, the Department of Education listed Pomona among colleges that “have failed to provide safe spaces for lovers of the tyrannical order.” This letter-writing campaign is the product of close coordination between the legislative and Satanic branch. It is believed that committee co-chair War wrote much of this language, with the help of presidential marionettist Stephen Miller and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.
The government’s stated threat is deportation. Entire colleges are now worried about being strapped to a SpaceX rocket and launched out of the country by ICE. That possibility is consistent with committee member Death’s longstanding desire to, “turn the inhabited earth into a stinking slagheap.” Yesterday, plainclothes federal officers recently tried to pick up all of Columbia University and sunder its foundations in the stormy Atlantic, but it was too bloated and dense to pick up. These tactics reflect the Republican Party’s intense focus on achieving its lofty reforms of higher education. Just this morning, President Trump announced that if Barron Trump didn’t end up with a 4.0 this semester, everyone at NYU would be deported. Are the Claremont Colleges next?
Recently, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (called by some, ‘The Squad’) appeared on “The Joe Rogan Experience” to explain their actions. Death voiced concerns that “colleges are not preparing students for the coming of the Antichrist.” Pestilence also expressed concerns about the frequently violent nature of student actions over the last year. “They’re masked thugs. Until they stop with this whole COVID hoax, we’re defunding science.” War added that “fear on college campuses is something we are concerned about, which is why we need the emails, wifi history, and immigration status of every student in America.”
In this environment, Pomona has attracted rare national attention. The House subcommittee’s letter cited a prominent “F” grade given to Walker Wall art from new Kennedy Center leadership in its first paragraph. It also used reporting from the Claremont Independent to demand further information on the “rampage” and “vandalization” of college toilets after a massively controversial student referendum. In a groupchat poll, at least 8 troublemakers voted to boycott, divest, and sanction Frank Dining Hall for its soggy vegetables. The “agitators” then went to Raising Cane’s that evening. After the release of the letter, Representatives Famine (R) and Pestilence (R) further co-authored a joint statement on X: “We aren’t afraid to force-feed students a healthy education.”
College administrators at Pomona are torn between their protective instincts. Their wits are at an end. “It’s a rock and a hard place,” said Dean of Students Avis Hinkson. “It’s a calculation of people versus profit—and by that, I mean, are the students we turn over to ICE more of a profit-loss than federal grants might be? I just keep my mouth shut. I catch flies with my mouth more than honey and vinegar! What was your question?” There have been no further statements from college leadership. “This is a strategy of strategic silence,” said college PR loudly in the LA Times. “That is why we have agreed to turn over all our private emails and documents wholescale, or at least, wheedle our way to a soft loss.”
In the spirit of contemporary journalism, we have neglected to talk to any student who might be affected by federal freedom squads. We will repost a grainy video of them being abducted on a “trip” to Louisiana, and argue about whether it is legal or not in a TSL op-ed.