“Divest from fossil fuels? When we could have a bitchin’ dome instead???” That is what Interim President [look up name] of Pomona College asked yesterday. “Is it in the budget? Yes, if we cut all the housekeepers and Ski Club!”
Disagree? You are wrong. A dome has many benefits. Domes separate good (getting dome) from evil (NOT getting dome). Dome? No dome? There is an answer. It is dome.
Remember Sandy Cheeks, the hit character from Spongebob? We are using the sandied cheeks model (pictured below).
Sandy’s dome was an oasis in the fugly desert, like Claremont, California. A dome like hers would protect us from rising sea levels and also oil spills. We didn’t cause them! Our unavoidable, undisclosed investments in oil money did.
Jeff Roth the Treasurer (pictured) was bouncing rhythmically behind his desk in excitement when we asked him the question, “Jeffrey, dear tender Jeffrey, why spend all our money on the Ginormous Eco-Dome?” Between increasingly violent thrusts he told us, verbatim, that “Fossil Fuels (UNGHH) are gonna be BONKERS PROFITABLE [UGHGHHHG] for the next four years.”
(We had to cut the quote off because he was ‘spilling oil’ everywhere.)
Even the ASPC Senate is on board because Dean of Students Josh Eisenberg told them at gunpoint it was a good idea. He also said this is the only way for Pomona College to get air conditioning. We will also need to put oil derricks on the Farm, and cut our Eco-Reps budget to pay for dome doors that lock after 9pm.