Urinals. They matter. Most importantly, they matter to me. Why? Because God in high heaven endowed me as a strong pisser.
If you’re anything like me, you know that a natural gift like wicked pissing can make or break a urinal experience. Hence, this review, and my thoughts on urinals as they should be.
So what is a good urinal like? A good urinal minimizes splashback, craves piss, is safe to use, and has a dependable flavor and charming sex appeal. On these grounds I write my review for the urinal I found on the street and recently installed in my dormitory’s hall bath. In critiquing it, I am using my postlapsarian ideals of what a urinal could best be: an abode commode that is outrightly, cravenly, fiendishly greedy for piss. I should be left weeping (but wicker dry) by the end of our whole affair.
Splashback / Sponge Factor – 0/11
Imagine pissing. Hell, go ahead and tinkle. Are you soaked? Sopping? You shouldn’t be, but you are. This urinal would drench you even more. It has is the worst splashback I’ve ever encountered. It couldn’t handle just ONE standard piss (12 seconds at body temperature, steady stream and slightly cloudy). They found me on the floor coughing up piss from my piss ricochet!. Someone had to give me CPR! There’s still piss in my crevices! It’s like I stuck my whole penis in a garden hose, and then someone waterboarded me!
Which obviously leads to the next judgment on sponge factor: it has none. A urinal should be thirsty as fuck. Receptive. Non-judgmental. Stained yellow. But disgracing my gender-awesome bathroom? This pearl-white, impervious monstrosity, alongside my piss sopped jorts. We used to make steel in this country.
Safety – 1/3
This urinal should be put against the wall and shot preemptively. Or maybe not: it was already against the wall and I shot it with my own piss. The returning piss bullet actually tore my ACL and also burst my eardrums. Imagine what could happen if you shot it with a bullet! Or a big dump! Used incorrectly, a urinal is a dangerous weapon. What if someone shat in this one? It’d be a weapon of mass destruction. Scratch that, even worse – a weapon of ASS DESTRUCTION. If Saddam Hussein had this porcelain pissdrinker in 2003, the United States would have invaded Iraq with even more pretext than it already did! And domestically, Congress would have passed arms control for the first time — no pooping!
Flavor/Sex Appeal – 131/137
A few redeeming qualities: the urinal company was nice enough to include a very tasty cake. I think it was supposed to be strawberry flavored. It also had objectively fuckable curves and a great personality. That counts for something these days.
Final Rating – 1/5
Between the piss ricochet returning more force than the pisser I put into it (which I think breaks the laws of thermodynamics), as well as the safety concerns if someone took a shit it in it, I cannot in good conscience recommend this urinal. I do think it has promising utility for unlimited power generation, but it certainly cannot be used for clean energy. I also need new jorts and an ACL. 1 out of 5, do not use.