Friday is finally here, and it is time for your weekly mandatory phone call with your parents, or whichever parent (Mom) loves you more.
Your relationship with your parents is not great, but they aren’t Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died abusive, abusive, and they’re not calling the dean of students and contest FERPA to see your grades intense. They’re just kind of the worst. As in, they constantly remind you of how you got bullied in high school and ask if things are really going well with your friends. And by reminding you that it is okay that you are gay, but if you ever get a piercing or tattoo or dress like a boy, then she (your father) will revoke your tuition.
Excuse #1
Just don’t respond, then answer two days later, saying the WiFi at school went out.
- They don’t know that data exists.
- They won’t question it.
- If they do question it, blame the school for using green energy, which is less reliable.
Excuse #2
“Sorry! My friend got dumped, and I need to console her!”
What is important here is to never mention names. Parents’ weekend will roll around, and questions will be asked. Your Mom is nosy, you know this. She may even find your friend’s Mom’s phone number somehow; don’t underestimate her. While this may not seem like a big deal, even a slight mess-up will expose your dirty lies.
Even more convincing is if you tell her that she got cheated on by her boyfriend from home. There is nothing your Mom hates more than a cheater, except for maybe socialism. This news will send her over the edge and encourage you to be the #girlsgirl she raised you to be. Just as long as you’re a #girlsgirl in a way that’s not *too* gay.
Excuse #3
Use timezones to your advantage (sorry, West Coasters, you’re fucked)
- Convince them you slept in (you’re soooo hungover).
- Ask if they are free around 4 P.M. (this is their post-church dinnertime).
- Ask if you can call them after dinner (sometimes they will say yes, but if you are as boring as possible—talk about a history book—they will get sleepy and hang up on you).
Excuse #4
“Whoops! I have a ten-page paper due at the exact time you want to call!”
Here, you have to make it clear that you did not procrastinate this paper and actually started it early; hell, you started it your sophomore year of high school, you’re so proactive! For this lie, make sure to text them at least once a week about this really cool book you’re reading for class.
This book should be about history, preferably a book that is real but not about a topic they are particularly interested in, so as not to risk them wanting to start up an e-book club. For example, Consequences of the Torrey Canyon Oil Spill, or simply something too tedious for them, like Parenting for Dummies.
To make sure they know you aren’t procrastinating, let them know that you are, in fact, revising your essay after meeting with your professor *for the second time this week!*