Study Finds That Zoos Are Only Ethical If You Steal an Animal on the Way Out

Lemur. Zebras. A really, really big snake. These are just some of the animals currently living at the Los Angeles Zoo. But aren’t they all just looking for their forever homes? A new study by the National Organization of Treatment for the Psychology of Environment, Technology and Animals (NOT-PETA) says that zoos are just animal stores and you are the customer and money isn’t real and there wasn’t anything slipped into my drink and What is Happening to Me.

One customer, Gravy-hands Greg, walked out of the zoo with an emu stuffed under his shirt. I did nothing to stop him. I tried to chase him, but I got lost in a maze of enclosures, forever running from the thousands of eyes watching me. Am I but an animal? My animal of choice was a red panda, which I’m going to tie to a pole in my front yard.

The faces of the animals started back at me. Perry the Platypus, Zoboomafoo, Hello Kitty. Was my inaction responsible for their torment? Why do I fund the cages that they will spend the rest of their lives in? And yet I go, I point, and I laugh. They are nothing but entertainment for me. I need to go back – I need more.

Yesterday I waterbirthed my fourth child in my backyard. I locked them in a cage, so they can repent for their actions. None of us are free from the blood on our hands. Not even Gravy-hands Greg, who’s looking a bit more like Blood-hands Greg. I went to a zoo again yesterday and beat the heads of four employees in with a crowbar. I took four tortoises and a muppet. Greed got the best of me – I must only take one. I’m writing this from the holding cell in San Dimas, California.

The research from NOT-PETA has yet to be peer-reviewed or even verified, but the results of it may impact the practices of zoos nationwide. Steps should be taken to ensure both the safety and wellbeing of the animals, and increased transparency may be necessary to hold the zoos responsible. We need a place where we can trust that animals can be taken care of safely, and if zoos can improve themselves, they can become this place again. And as for my red panda tied up in my front lawn? I named him Rimjob, and he eats canned soup out of a dog bowl.