The 5C club fair is this week, which means it’s time to really get settled into campus life. We at The Golden Antlers are driven by one concern: student welfare. Naturally, we’ve intensively labored over our own first-year traumas, dedicating time and energy into making sure that you, fellow Claremontian, have only the best advice. Scripps College first-years, we offer you only the crème de la crème of tips for your year ahead. You’re welcome.
- Do not eat the koi in the Seal Court koi pond. Mallott serves fish on Friday nights. This is a common mistake, but you do not have to catch your own fish! At Scripps College, the proletariat does not own the means of production, but rather pays the institution $74,788.00 to be given steak and salmon weekly.
- Do not, under any circumstances, read any of the assigned books for Core I. You can get away with pretending you’re woke during the discussion and not even know the titles of the books. This also works for life in general.
- Scripps College first-years tend to congregate in The Hub; this meeting localé may be misleading. The Truth: the paninis are aphrodisiacs and on Tuesday nights, two paninis in, there’s a queer orgy beneath the Henry F. Kravis Center. It, again, is primarily Scripps students.
- Memorize the health and environmental benefits of the various non-dairy milk beverages (even oat!) so you can confidently inform strangers that they’re ruining not just their skin, but also the world. Did someone say social clout?
- Take as many pictures of the Scripps Squirrels as you can. Nobody has thought to do this yet. (Note: Scripps is the only college with special squirrels. Anywhere).
- Explore the catacombs under New Hall!
- Browsing rooms are strictly for sex, not studying. When the ghost of Ellen Browning Scripps or Ms. Clark herself comes knocking during your private time, know that that’s just the good ol’ feminist spirit making herself known. Womxn supporting womxn!
- It’s hard to figure out where you’re going in Claremont. Thankfully, if you appear helpless within a fifteen-foot radius of the Cube, a tour guide will magically appear! His name will be Tyler or Brandon, he will be an econ major, and he will tell you at least four times that you smell good. Use this information as you may.
- No matter how many times I.T. raids your room in search of your computer to download Box, you must resist. Use your Scripps lanyard as a weapon if necessary.
- Friendly reminder that Scripps is no longer a Ladies’ Finishing School– leave lots of hair all over the showers and pee on those communal walls to mark your territory. #GirlPower!
- Do not call home. You’ll blow your cover and they’ll find out that feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. S/o to Kansas Senator Pat Robertson for figuring us out.
- Each weekday morning before you go to class, count the fountains at Scripps to make sure nobody took one the night before. If one is missing, call campus safety at (909) 607-2000 and let them know.
- Always bang on your neighbor’s wall when you hear them masturbating to let them know that you also support womxn’s empowerment. Get it, sister!!
- If you find yourself struggling to keep up with Scripps’ ever-increasing tuition, resell one of the many new marble busts from the Humanities building— don’t worry, it’ll be replaced within the week and you can do it all over again! Can I get a “hell yeah” for the cyclical economy?!
- The ghost of Ellen Browning Scripps frequents the older dorms. Get rid of her by placing a plate of GOAT cheese in the hall. Garlic for vampires is like soft cheeses for Ellen.
- And if you’re in the mood to disassociate, join the Mallot taco line.
Good luck friends, and if this isn’t enough, consider applying to write for The Golden Antlers for more personalized advice. Applications close on September 26 at midnight. We’ll be posting tips for each 5C every day this week. Again, you’re welcome. We are, undoubtedly, correct.