I need to wipe some shit off my chest. I am not the first person to talk about gay sex. I am just one author in a line of brave trailblazers that have added to the canon of writing about cream (MAN cream) getting pumped into assholes (MAN assholes). Nothing I say here is groundbreaking.
Why do we need to talk about gay sex? Because gay sex is not normal. It does not respect the evolutionary limits of reproduction. Noted poet Eminem once said that “We ain’t nothin’ but mammals / Then there’s no reason that a man and another man can’t elope.” I would go even further. Gay sex is so animalistic and raw that it is straight up bestiality. “Otters” can fuck “bears.” Horse cocks are cause célèbre. Twinks shop for the best dragon knot they can find. It is time to acknowledge that gay sex is beast mode.
What makes gay sex different from straight sex? Gay sex is fundamentally subversive. It requires two or more people, who are all very similar—perhaps too similar— to perform the entire spectrum of fucking. That requires getting inventive in the bedroom. Fortunately, America loves inventors. In Obergefell v. Hodges, the Supreme Court decision that legalized fucking silly style, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “I personally draw the line at toothy rimjobs. Nonetheless, the government certainly can’t tell me a cooter can’t go there, or that my wiener has to bend one way its whole life!” Well said, asshole!
Gay sex can get out of control. The comfortable iceberg of reality starts to melt into the shape of an ice-cold buttplug. People start off genderbending they dihh or they cooter. Maybe they try a new position and reevaluate their identity. Suddenly, it’s BLAM and you have to use Modified Missionary for your new wife and BLAM your wife is actually a man named Blake and BLAM you both are trying IVF in the twilight of your lives because nothing else is working, but BLAM that cookie GOOD! That, to me, is the precarious fire of gay sex.
I want us to think about the practical benefits gay sex can offer. Think about the last time you got pounded. Imagine what would have happened had you given your partner a playful nip/bite/chomp right on the tip of her peen! Yes, her peen. She (be trans-inclusive) needs to to know who the boss is. The boss is me (you). In this fantasy, I’m wearing orange overalls and a hardhat. Inside my butthole is a union card. Inside my mouth cheeks are nails I spit out right before I hammer them into a roof. I like dressing up as a roofer.
In the throes of homosexual embrace, time itself can stop. Nothing can do what gay sex does, except maybe psilocybin. The narratives of before, middle, and after—delusions we tell ourselves—vanish. This is because every part of gay sex is just foreplay. Nothing ever happens except the start. The end is the start. The middle is the start. Nobody cums unless you put too much effort in. Life is a fabulous cycle.
It is time to stop misinterpreting what gay is truly about. It isn’t about love, for starters. There is no such thing as, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” Nobody gay is having a baby. Everybody gay is going to inhale genitalia, as fast as they can, either through they hand hole, they mouth hole, or they crotch mouth. Stop misunderstanding the basic facts. Gay is Joey Chestnut, and nonbinary cooter is Nathan’s Hot Dogs. Is that not gay sex? Yes. Head scratcher.
Disclaimer: You don’t need a penis for the gay sex either. None at all. Not one ounce of penis. It is just that it is the making sex very betters! True—it is just that if bananas had bones, I would break femurs all day. Catch my drift? Smell what I’m stepping in? Let me spell it out: every day of the week, penis has a bone, and I love marrow!!! Slurp, slurp, slurp, that’s the onomatopoeia song of blowjobs, and Elton John owns the performance rights! But you can sing it by yourself too. What do you think about our conversation? Let’s schedule a meeting to talk about this.
So, in conclusion, gay sex is really beautiful. Thank you for listening. The Kisses are Hershey Kisses. The hugs are actually Sensual Orgasms. Cums stops being dangerous, and is more like thick water than pregnant juice. If a straight person tried to enjoy cum, they could not. Retweet.