Oh my god. Oh Fuck. Someone fucked up the switches and it’s almost 6:30 and the sun is starting to go down and the only fucking lights are purple, pink and blue. This can’t be fucking happening. Pomona’s about to look like an episode of Euphoria and all we can do is watch.
The lights only go on for like, an hour? I think it’s going to be okay. I hope. Fuck – the metrosexuals are already here. Oh god, they’re all talking about how they are from New York – I can hear it from up here. Shit. There’s more people coming. Ow – my eyes! The lights are reflecting off the she/they’s septum piercings and it keeps going right into my eyes! Pomona doesn’t even pay for my parking, there’s no way they’re paying for health insurance.
They’re turning it into a weird gay mixer – sorry, a weird bisexual mixer. They’re all taking pictures for their close friends’ stories and basking in the bisexual lights. I bet there will be like, 40 posts of this tomorrow. Someone tried to bring in a case of Bud Light and they were torn to fucking shreds. The case of Bud Light is completely untouched. Someone stole the guy’s cross necklace to wear in a non-religious way. They aren’t fucking playing. I’m going to die tonight.
Oh no – an old couple is coming in for a romantic evening. They brought their kids! They brought their fucking kids. This can’t get any worse. Everyone is going to point and yell, like “QUEERBAITER” or “YOU’RE STRAIGHT PASSING, I’M TRYING TO USE THIS AS A BISEXUAL TANNING BED AND YOUR STRAIGHT SHADOW IS BLOCKING MY RAYS!” I need to save them. Oh my god I need to save them or they’re going to die and I’m going to be in so much more trouble.
I guess it could be a lot worse. Everyone at Pomona is already, like, bisexual or something. I think. I don’t know how it works but this is still really bad. They’re going to be attracted to the Skyspace like bugs to a light. Is this how crowd crushing happens? There aren’t that many people at this school, right? Oh my god. They’re coming. There’s so many of them. I think they saw me. HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!