In a groundbreaking report released yesterday, the Claremont Independent unveiled statistics that just might take your breath away. “It took my breath away,” stated Hill Binton (Pomona ‘15). The prestigious publication has claimed that students at the 5Cs are mostly liberal.
“I’m outraged,” said outraged Pitzer alumni in residence, Busch Gee. “After learning that the 5Cs are lopsidedly liberal, I started my transfer application to a conservative safe haven, Brown University. There, political discussion flourishes in an environment of competing ideas and visions. There, job creators go to create jobs.” Gee stated that the most upsetting facet of the revelation is that he was deceived. “Small liberal arts colleges are bastions of conservatism. Or so I thought. Everything I’ve known is a lie.”
In the same report, the Claremont Independent revealed an even more terrifying truth. They released a statistical graphic depicting the Colleges’ history of elephant massacre. Since 1908, campus elephants have seen a drastic decline, to the point of endangerment. Former student and glory day re-liver, Fawn Miranda, reminisces of the days when elephants once roamed our campuses. “I used to sit in Bauer fountain and feed them peanuts,” Miranda fondly remembered. “Sometimes their tongues would tickle the inside of your palm and give you a kind of fuzzy feeling.” Sadly, as the result of an “Orwellian” scheme devised by big student government, the current restrictive tax structure of Claremont has scared all the elephants away. “Now, I have all these peanuts, but no elephants to feed them to,” Miranda lamented.
The publication of “truth and excellence” also shed light on something even more sinister: censorship. This real photo (left), leaked exclusively to the Golden Antlers, paints a frightening picture of the future of the 5Cs. It appears to be the November 2014 magazine cover of the “Claremont —–”. But the Claremont what? We may never know the answer to that question. We can only assume that the communists don’t want us to hear the truth.
And we might know what the truth is. According to our sources, Claremont McKenna College’s admissions office just denied a fully qualified candidate early admission into the class of 2019. The candidate, Koch Industries, who received a perfect score on the ACT, failed to meet eligibility requirements. We have been informed that the Claremont Independent is preparing another scandalous article to address the socio-political implications of denying a full vested person personhood in the wake of Citizens United. Their writers told us that the curtains of truth are about to be pulled back. “Unbelievable,” Pon Raul (CMC ‘17) cried. “This is an affront to liberty and free speech.”
– Jacksón Smith CMC ’18 with contributions from Maddy Stein CMC ’15, Liat Kaplan CMC ’17, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, and Christie Kweon SCR ’15
Outside Contributions by: Umar Farooq