- Plan Your Strategy
To be the most memorable person, you need to have the last say – while a couple of people may remember the name of the first person to go, the real gold is being the quiet, introspective person that everyone gets just a glimpse of. Mysterious, yet interesting. Cowardly, but cowardly in a way that will benefit your mass appeal. To do this, you must find the perfect seat–
- Choose Your Seat
–to go last. Sitting next to the professor is out of the question – optimally, sit far off to the side, across from the professor themself, or next to the most extroverted person in hopes that the introductions will go clockwise rather than counterclockwise. If possible, show up ~10 minutes late: this will guarantee you are at the tail end of the intros; however, showing up late but not late enough can get you a ‘going first’ sentence.
- Analysis
Forget names, hobbies, even pets and vacations! When you hear what the other introductions are, all you need to be thinking about is how you can one-up every single person in that room. Do they have a dog? You have three and a parrot. Did they go to Mykonos? You went somewhere in Greece harder to pronounce. That’s right, girl – you were in Thessaloniki. Be ready to pull up your CommonApp list of extracurriculars so you can lie about every single one of them.
- Pour Out a Salt Circle On Your Desk
Right now, with other people in the class sharing, your classmates are getting the attention that you rightfully deserve. To resolve this, you need to take a big, big swing: pull out that giant box of salt you always have in your backpack, and pour it into a mathematically perfect circle as the class watches. This will serve as a protective force against your classmate’s looks and glares.
- Forget the Alamo
- Scream of the 1000 Trapped Maidens
All the attention is on you now – the salt is sitting perfectly on your desk, and the Alamo has been forgotten. This is your big moment – like your elementary school talent show, you need to show this room of people what you live for. Let out that scream of 1000 trapped maidens that you have been holding in for centuries. Personally, we recommend doing a vocal warmup pre-class to make sure you don’t accidentally croak.
- Allow the Blood to Leak Down From the Walls
This should come naturally, especially if you did your warmups before the maiden scream. It may take a moment, and depending on the temperature of the room the blood may be slightly viscous and flow down the walls slowly – but be not afraid. The harsh vibrant lights reflecting off the blood will give the room a stunning golden hour glow, and all of your classmates will see you at your most beautiful.
- Bite Diego
There will be someone named Diego in your class, and you must bite him. This is unrelated to the other steps.
- Self Immolate, and Turn Into a Pile of Dust
All the eyes are on you, queen! You look stun, you feel stun, Diego has been bitten, and the Alamo has been forgotten. The semifinal step to this process is to take all of your interest, your mystery, and your attention and turn into a wonderful stun pile of ashes and dust. Light yourself on fire, queen! You look great today.
- A New, Blonde Student Will Walk Into the Classroom. They Have Your Eyes.
With the ritual complete, this new, blonde student will take your place, your desk, and your backpack. They will remain silent for the remainder of the semester. This truly maximizes their interest and mystery scores, and your sacrifice will not be forgotten as you provided a wonderful opening number for this new, blonde student. Stay stunning, queens!