There’s something so obnoxious about people from the 5Cs “discovering New York.” I don’t care if you had a summer internship on the UWS or are planning on moving after graduation – this city is not your playground. It’s my playground. Because I’m from here.
Do you know how many times I’ve seen Robert DeNiro? Eleven. But I don’t keep track of that sort of thing because I see celebrities all the time living in New York. Just New York, not New York “City,” just New York. I hate L.A. so much.
You think the best slice of pizza is something you could find on Yelp? Hilarious. See, I would tell you where the best slice is but I can’t have my favorite spot overrun with tourists like you. Not after all of my favorite restaurants have been TikTokified. Nice try, buddy.
Well, you can’t be here in the summer because the weather sucks and that’s when all the tourists are here. And winter’s no good because the weather sucks and that’s when all the tourists are here. And you shouldn’t come in the spring because the weather sucks and that’s when all the tourists are here. Fall’s fine but you’re probably in school? There’s really no good time to be in New York, that’s why I love New York.
Fuck L.A.
I literally just can’t understand why anyone would ever live in LA. Look, it’s not my fault that I’m not from some flyover state like California. I’m just saying that you people’s problems are kind of stupid compared to the problems we have in real places. Have you ever had to sit through an incest wedding because John Kennedy the 27th fell in love with his sister and the family figured the prenup would be easier that way anyways? Exactly.
I once beat the shit out of a Times Square Elmo – and I’ve never even been to Times Square. You people have no clue that place is a tourist trap! Ahh, us native New Yorkers–the few, the proud.
I am so good at ignoring homeless people.