Co-writer: Eli Edelman
Profound systemic injustice and moral depravity may not be enough reason for you to partake in Friday’s boycott. Maybe you just like the aesthetics of being an activist and already fulfilled your praxis requirement or perhaps you just have a seething hatred of the proletariat. Whatever your reason for not caring enough about workers’ rights to join the boycott, here are 7 other reasons you may not want to come to McConnell dining hall on Friday.
1. Benny, a large Italian man from Jersey City may or may not “encourage” you to not cross the picket line.
Thought Unions stopped playing hardball in the 50’s? Well we’re bringing it back. Benny and his boys don’t take too kindly to strike breakers or enemies of the working class. Capiche?
2. FYI, the soda machines are gonna be filled with piss.
An insider tipped us off that this Friday, all beverage machines at McConnell will be filled with urine. Craving a cold Pepsi? Well have fun getting a cup of warm, rancid piss instead. Piss boy.
3. Santa will know
He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.
He sees you crossing picket lines so be good for goodness’ sake.
Be careful where you eat on Friday – you wouldn’t want to end up on the naughty list. Coal in stockings… no presents under the tree… being an asshole… it’s a grisly sight.
4. You’ll miss out on the other dining halls serving beer.
Ever wanted to get wasted while you eat your meal? Well tonight is your chance! (Unless you go to McConnell) Every other dining hall is having a lit party (with lots of alcohol). Go to Frary, Frank, Collins, Hoch, or Malott for FREE DRINKS!!!
5. You’ll be haunted by the Ghost of Karl Marx
Wooooooo… woooooooo. What is that? It is the specter of communism, the ghost of Karl Marx coming to haunt you for crossing the picket line. Your commodities will be fetishized and your rate of profit will fall. He will remind you that you valued Pad Thai over human dignity.
6. It’s No-Tong Friday
There’s no utensils or serving tongs today at McConnell. The 4 dipwads who crossed the picket line are using their dirty, dirty hands to pick up noodles. Ew!
7. You might get hit by a car
What if a car drove through McConnell? Then you’d be inside. Wouldn’t want that, would you?
Do not cross the damn picket line!
Lots of love,
-The Golden Antlers