Co-writers: Luke B. and James D.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
The first thing you notice at the Toybox adult store in Upland is all the fake pussy. I call it vaginer but you can call it pussy. There was a lot of it, but not in many colors. For a more realistic experience I recommend spray painting the labies (labias) until you get a happy balance. The whole place is like Romance Upland, but everything seems at least somewhat new and is missing the layer of cigarette smoke and dust on it.
Everything went black once I saw The Doll of Lust. Jessica. She is $900 and between the lube that costs $19 (from a brand you’ve never heard of) and the DVD milf porn / VHS 2-for-1 deal. Her long, blonde hair goes down to her ass. Her ass goes down to the box she’s standing in. She’s everything to me. I will be back for her. I haven’t had a dream that hasn’t had her in it in weeks.
BEFORE YOU SHOP
Measure your throat
You need to measure your throat before you go. Some of these items cost a pretty fuckable penny, so I use lidar like they do for caves. I printed a model in the Harvey Mudd Makerspace and someone asked me if I’m a geologist. No, I just like to be precise! At the Toybox, you can get the fleshy dilders (dildos) or also the AutoFuck Floor Model Pump Penis, but right now the model is broken because my spit got all over the circuit boards.
Kink Gear
The kink gear can be intimidating at first if you’re trying to jerk off inside the store, but that is actually against the policy and they will tell you gently to take that business outside.
THE SECRET MENU
The Toybox has a lot of special products and secret areas that I heard about from my clinically obese stepdads, but I haven’t talked to all of them (round-table discussion) in a while. We keep playing phone tag so I don’t really know exactly what you can find there. This is some stuff I’ve also seen on Reddit:
The Secret Room
First on the secret menu is the secret room. I could not find it. I unboxed some of the sounding equipment and put it in my mouth to see if it would rust. If it rusts you can use it as a key. It didn’t rust though, so the buttsex room didn’t open. I tried putting it in my butt and I got tetanus anyway—no rust in sight. Anyway, maybe the secret room is behind the splay bars. I don’t know, I got distracted by the Travis Scott burger gag for cheap cheap 15% off.
The Travis Scott Burger Ballgag
It’s really weird that Travis Scott has his own line of gear here, like the “Travis Scott Hamburger Ball Gag” but who am I to judge? I just don’t know why they mixed Sicko Mode with the rather niche DWARFBANG RAW CUMBLAST playlist that you can only buy in Sweden. The guy behind the desk has killer taste in music but I wish he would stop making you cum in a spittoon upon entry like this is the Wild West.
Orange Butt Plug
Did you know that butt plugs can be orange and that big? I also didn’t know that. You can’t buy this with flex, I tried. When I imagined slowly inching and easing my bubblegum-pink rectum down on it, it’s probably like even worse than the homeless spikes on benches!Reagan’s America! In general, all the anal equipment is pricey but worth it! The other stores have a dainty idea of buttholes that are stuck in the 1980s. Move over Karen, my ravenous butthole can take anything the Toybox throws my way! So much buttholes for sale… man and woman…and you can really tell the difference. I can just imagine the pelvises behind them — different based on gender!
FUN GIFT IDEAS
DVDs
I don’t think the DVDs were in English. The cases just had Lorem Ipsum placeholder text like “Emotional Eastern European College Student Meets Heavenly Pleasant Priest 40 Minutes Pure Action” and “경애하는 과일여신단과대학 최고지도자 Gina Gabrielle Starr동지의 혁명활동소식” . The one called “Mrs. COCK Teaches the Rest of the HOA Who’s Really Woman President” had a really funny picture!
Artisan Lube
What kind of lube do they sell? Who cares! Stick your finger up butt and see the glide factor. That is what they call “scratch and sniff” in the business. Everything starts at $10 and you’ve never heard of any of the brands. Banana? Ocean Bliss? Barack Obama? If you can ask for it, they have it. I can’t wait to lube up my greasy hole with Operation Desert Storm Slime!
OK I FOUND THE SECRET ROOM. The Toybox has a really great refurbished section. You just have to find it. I opened the fire exit and all I could hear were the sewing machines. There were 20 children wearing gimp suits they had each lovingly crafted. The buttons were gilded and each had anchor points. They looked at me, I looked at them. I saw the entire global economy held by a fragile thread of child labor. I saw the supply ships leaving the shores of the Pacific to some grimmer, darker fringe of the world. I saw the golden promise of America in the Toybox, leaping out as if to say, “I am here, I see you, you are valued.” 5 Boners for craftsmanship, 0 chubs for minors.
Each of the kids let me sniff each of their poppers Big Mo style and I got so paint thinner high that all the lights turned into angels and the vibrators jumped off the walls and attacked me and I woke up on the ground.
Unfortunately, They Made Me Feel Fat and Worthless
All the men dolls have abs and I don’t know how they fit the cock in the box but it gives me body dysphoria because I can’t just roll my penis up into cardboard and I can’t take off my fatsuit — it’s stuck right now. I wish they had more fatsuits. I wish they had a menu where you could taste test. I wish they were on Yelp and Gasp and Moan and Sniffies and Field and they should have a van that goes to your house. When you are there, you are home. When you are home, you are there! I wish they had throat lozenges and the vomit protection guards they give first responders for CPR in First Aid Kits, you know??? When they suck on your mouth to give you air but sometimes you throw up so the guard is there but I would use that thing for cums and blowjobs. Thank you Toybox 5/5 star.
Final Rating
This cannot be quantified.