My Parents Bought FAFSA, and Now I Have a Full Ride

I’m just like you. My life has always been a struggle – growing up upper middle class has always been so difficult, and my maids and gardeners and nannies and butlers and all the custodians of the east wing and our drivers and our au pairs and our chefs and our helpers have always made fun of me for it. But after years of paying full tuition and only a small donation of $500,000 to Pitzer College, I have finally learned what it’s like to be a struggling financial aid student.

That’s because my parents just bought FAFSA. I don’t know what that stands for, but I know what it makes me: a poor, struggling student who DESERVES a full ride. It’s just sooooooooooooo hard!!! Like, you have to be SO poor to get a full ride and I got a full ride so I’m so poor. Now all my friends call me homeless and spit on me (they don’t, but I know how they really feel. I’m a dark empath.)

I used to be so jealous of all those people on financial aid. They are so undeserving of it–these freeloaders think it’s so cool to be poor all the time. So I talked to my parents about it and now those greedy people won’t get aid anymore! Now I get to be the poor one because my poor, poor parents had to buy me a full ride financial aid scholarship.

Plus, everyone who gets financial aid is lucky to get it. And that means I’m lucky! But I’m obviously not that lucky, since I’m so poor (I get a full ride financial aid scholarship. Have you heard?) I’m the poorest person I know. God, I’m rock hard just thinking about it. I told my professors how much I was struggling, since I’m poor now, but they didn’t do anything! I hate this school. I hate my parents. I call them by their first names. Fuck you Mark and Lauren.

Buying FAFSA probably cost a lot since businesses probably cost a lot of money, but it’s all gonna be worth it when we save a whole year of tuition. Anyways, I don’t think I’m going to graduate, because I want to launch my sustainable recycled Birkenstock earring business. I know that will get me back into the one percent.

I also just started identifying as first-gen.