GOLDEN ANTLERS EXCLUSIVE: According to an anonymous source, following their voluntary exit from receiving school-sponsored funding, the TSL (The Student Life), also known as the Claremont Colleges’ second most entertaining satire organization, has filed for bankruptcy. It’s official, folks: the TSL is broke!!! Hahaaa, losers.
“Supposedly” they did this in order to no longer be a corporate shill and take money from The Man, and so now they can print whatever they want. As we all know, the TSL has exclusively covered newsworthy subjects and things that are important and matter to everyone, and so this will give their journalists the opportunity to get a little more creative. But that’s just what they WANT you to think.
Intel from our trusted group of serious reporters at the Golden Antlers have uncovered several allegations of TSL misusing funds to buy matching Stanley cups, tickets to the Tokyo ERAS Tour, and then even more Stanley cups and tickets to the Tokyo ERAS Tour.
Due to their mismanagement of funds, the team at the TSL will be forced to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic, The Wolf of Wall-Street, and 2 Broke Girls in order to reevaluate their financial habits.
As deeply compassionate empaths, we here at the Golden Antlers will be leasing the TSL office using Monopoly money (we are also broke but whatever) in an attempt to garner some funds for the bankrupt club. As the temporary inhabitants of the TSL offices, we will be installing a liquid cheese fountain and instituting a shoe and sock free zone in the building. Also you can have sex in there.
We will also be opening the doors to all curious visitors, so feel free to enter the premises (without shoes or socks of course) and grab anything you like. If you enjoy your visit, please donate a penny or two to the glass jar we will be leaving by the entrance to collect funds for the now-destitute TSL.
We implore everyone here at the 5Cs and beyond to show some kindness to the financially but not morally bankrupt TSL and donate to this link below.