Co-Writer: Annie B.
Neon green, with off-colors of blue and chunks of purple. The average Halloween jungle juice is a sommelier’s seasonal delight—sniffing out the notes of tequila, pink whitney, and flunitrazepam, swishing it around in a red solo cup and listening to the sounds of ice cubes and pills against plastic. There’s nowhere else you can get a truer adventure in a single cup.
For those who are wanting, here’s a quick jungle jucian guide to refer to whilst on your thirsty adventures this Halloweekend:
The concoction is complex—layered, muddied, and full of cavernous depths. The first and most obvious note to observe is color. Blue and green jungle juice is for boys, and pink jungle juice is for girls. Nonbinaries can have the other stuff, probably. A tinge of yellow could indicate notes of gatorade powder, while hints of red might be Hawaiian punch or CMC rage blood. The more opaque the color, the more add-ins: think of it like froyo!
Next is the scent—before aerating your glass or whatever bullshit sommeliers like you do, take a nice, big whiff of that awesome potion! It’s probably going to smell sickly sweet and also like tequila and also like vodka and also like your freshman year. Make sure to get a good profile of it, since that’s what you’re going to smell like for the rest of the night!
To those with patience, hear this: Jungle juice is not a drink, it is a mode of transportation. Swirl your sipper around the cup and watch the lines drip. This jungle juice has legs! Not one, not two, but a freaky number. It is spider season. This arthropod of a beverage crawls around your throat, slip-sliding down and cannon-balling into the bubbling acids of your belly. Splash zone warning!
No ladle, no spoon: the decanter is you, scooping from a big ol’ tub. Great job! You noticed it has notes of an airy nail polish remover. It is a boofing to the mouth and one that will leave you wanting more. Your hand grazes the beautiful juices and delights, leaving behind the flavor of your buttery, unwashed fingers. Each sip gives hints of every hand that came before you—robust and floral, astringent and austere, delectable and spongy. A gorgeous blend of electrolyte, Monster, juice, the notes of skin flakes and the spittle of a million suns. Tonight, you are ephemeral.