Once upon a time it was 3 AM (remember the title?) and my roommate and I thought it would be a good idea to call Cecil Hussein Sagehen. BIG mistake!! SCARY. After three rings, someone picked up. “Is that him?” I said to my roommate. “I actually go by they/them,” said an ambiguously pitched voice on the phone. I HAD MISGENDERED CECIL. I was so #embarrassed! Then blood started coming out of the phone. Actually it didn’t, that’s too scary. Instead, I looked at the contact photo. “This is what I looked like in 2011.” I GASPED WITH HORROR. “WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?!” “🅲Ｈเⓡ𝕡 ɕＨเⓡ𝕡.” the voice replied. Then we fucking got murdeddred!
Hello Lindsey,
I want to play a game. Your entire life you have eaten food to survive. But now, you must choose between satiating your body and freeing your mind. Class is 30 minutes away, and you chose to wait in the expo line, thinking you’d have time to get honey habanero wings. What you failed to account for in your blind faith, is that there are men here, and people too. With all of them in line, there is no way you can reach both your class and the honey habanero wings in time. Do you leave the line and starve? Or do you walk into class 10 minutes late, your face covered in sauce? The clock is ticking. Make your choice.
Sincerely,
Amy Marcus-Newhall
Vice President for Academic Affairs/
Dean of Faculty
You thought his silent drooling and muttering of “brainnnssssss” when called on was just the honey packet you saw him take before class. But NO! Now that you have to make a 15 slide presentation on The Poems of Emily Dickinson as Family Guy Fanfiction with him, it’s different. Put simply, you saw Gerald rip open your third partner’s skull and eat their brains. Not normal! And even worse, you’re presenting tomorrow and his slides are still blank. Ugh, guess it’s time to be the responsible one AGAIN. It’s so hard being perfect. The day of the presentation Gerald eats your professor.
Innocently enjoying your meal at Frank?
Sitting on the quad without a care in the world? Ch ch ch ah ah ah. Ch ch ch ah ah ah. Hear that grunting? She’s right behind you. She has been for minutes, hours. She saw you laughing about the time she hit a student with her car. Vroom vroom.
Time to join the suspended.
Like, because usually they are called Resident Advisors, but when you’re scared you yell “AHHHH.” And Halloween is the fear holiday. Plus they took my alcohol away freshman year, and that’s scary because I need it to sleep. So like if you put ‘HHHH” between the “A” and the “d” then it, like, makes it, “AHHHHdvisors. Sometimes I get so sad. Pass the bottle?
