Co-writer: Jeremy Martin
Aw, sorry dude! We were going to tell you sooner, but we didn’t want you to be upset, and we’ve also just been so busy having sex and fucking and whatnot. Please don’t take it personally – it’s not that we didn’t think you don’t know how to put on a condom, or even that we think you wouldn’t be good at it. Mostly you don’t really seem like a sex-haver. You just don’t give off that vibe.
Oh, wait, yeah, let me clarify – not only are we all having sex and you’re not, but we’re actually all having sex with each other, at the same time, without you. Oh yeah, just one big old bangarang. Bonerville, population: us. Just like, limbs everywhere, man. You would not BELIEVE how many people can fit on a Twin XL.
We know you’ve been really trying to get laid, and it’s really a bummer that Tinder Gold isn’t working out for you. You’re probably someone’s type? We just don’t really have space for you in our hearts, romantically. It’s cause you just give such heavy “friend” energy. I get that we’re all friends and we’re all fucking each other, but with you it’s, like, way totally different. You’re like a sibling to us.
I feel like now’s also probably a good time to tell you that we’re all dating each other, too. It’s like a big polyamory commune party thing but it’s not Mormon at all. It’s super cool and progressive the way we do it. We’re all just experimenting with open relationships, and you really seem like monogamy is more your speed. You also rock at just being single. We love single you!
Hey! It’s not because you’re ugly! Michael’s in the sex squad and he’s ugly! You, you’re just… I don’t know, you’re… I don’t know. It’s so hard to describe with words. We love fucking, but we also love being platonic besties with you and not having sex with you because we are literally repulsed by that thought. Vom! You get it though, right?