On September 19th, the new The Student Life editorial board announced they would let go of ninety percent of their staff. Those terminated have largely been unpaid writers and editors despite the TSL’s abundant 5C funding. It’s not about money; it’s about the principle. The decision came as a shock to contributors and their friends; other students were more surprised by the fact that real people write their articles: “But the lack of nuance… this makes no sense.”
The TSL began in 1889, but until now, they’ve been operating in a dream world. As an essentially no-cut organization, the TSL perpetuates the notion that journalism is a dependable and thriving profession.
The paper has slowly been shifting that narrative and becoming more journalistic: physical papers show up everywhere unsolicited, the headlines are more controversial, and they are creating drama through multiple competing op-eds about something no one even cared about.
Everyone knows that a respectable newspaper isn’t about content anymore. You don’t need integrity, quality, fact-checking, or real issues. You need one thing: essentially, no staff.
The new Editor-in-Chief commented: “Overall, we just want to be seen as a real newspaper through and through, and unfortunately, that means firing pretty much our whole staff, but just the commoners. It was a tough decision, but how can you produce cold, hard news if you aren’t willing to be a cold, hard leader? At the end of the day, one thing matters, and it’s not our Barbaro-wannabes—it’s the TSL.”
The ed-board understands that their contributors may feel slighted or blindsided, but they insist, “We are not Sandra Bullock; we are Michael Lewis.”
It’s high time that the TSL claimed its place among legitimate, prestigious newspapers like The Atlantic, The New York Times, TMZ, and Fizz.
“Why would anyone even want to work for TSL in its current utopian fairytale state? Do you think journalism is fun? Would you say the same thing about soldiers on the front lines? What about working in the NICU? What about being a hostage negotiator—or, fuck it, a hostage-taker? No, but we are all doing equally high-stakes and important work,” said Director of Self-Importance Trent Woodward Huffington Tribune (no relation).
Whether or not you like the TSL, by God, you have to respect it.
Steed Bonaparte (pronounced bonk-uh-duh-par-tah-dah) PO ’26 is from Hell. He enjoys helping people fake their deaths, cramming honeydew down communal shower drains, and swindling Jehovah’s Witnesses.