Equal Co-Writers: James D., Annie B., Luke B.
When you first walk into Hargerbarger, a keen eye might notice the array of beers on tap or the fifty identical employees wearing red polo shirts. Everyone is also playing polo on mini horses and when one of them whinnies they beat it with an old kitchen sponge. They don’t change the sponge very much.
Take a moment and step into Hagelbargers. The city so nice they named it twices! Hagelbargers… Cafe! Located in the heart of Claremont in the bustling square called Claremont Graduate University (the city so nice they named it thrice!). Inspired by the German philosopher and theologian’s life spent employed on a barge, this café is a delightful dance of enlightenment and enlightenment’s juice: wines and beers. Could anything be more nices?
Tonight I looked the stars. They were beautiful. I looked down at my Hangrel Barger menu and those were the stars. I wish it was a Waffle house.
Candace dick fit in yo mouth? That’s what the Hagelbarger staff told me when I wanted to eat oreo pie.
Hagelbargers is the hearthrob of the claremont colleges. It pulsates real bad. They have so many flags on the wall and they don’t even believe in anything.
Have you ever heard of hegel? What about his life working on barge? In Germany… Well… The Holy Roman Empire. It is true that borders are ephemeral. He could never have dreamed of the City of Trees and PhDs. He was busy dreaming of the barge and the crud on it. To him, that craps was magic! He also wondered why his name spelled Georg when it should have one more E. Yoinks!
In physics, force is defined as F = ma. m is mass, and a is acceleration. Hagelbarger’s is acceleration. There is no physical mass of Hagelbargers, it is a force that acts upon a person. Betty’s Breakfast menu has breakfast burrito and also breakfast quesadilla. When i eated the burrito and quesadilla i was accelerated to the toiler. Savor the tradition.
The bathroom is for employees only. the floor is so clean you could snort a line (dance) off it (be my partner). I think somebody did that because it’s covered in this strange white powder and there was an employee in there putting the white powder in an envelope addressed to Mike Johnson the speaker of the House. I got really sick after breathing the air. I hope everything is alright!
I went to the big big tub and took a bath.
Let us take you on the five part tour to America’s top iron chef college cafe wet burger tortilla chip slobber emporium! I’m going to put you on speakerphone with Gordon Ramsey’s second third cousin fifth times and then put you down with euthanize price improved!! He can make the cheese quesadilla with happiness and egg and warm butter! Maybe even mayonnaise with… arugles… you guessed it! Hot sauce concoction of and arugleas and sesame seed and pure red chilis!
Hardlebarger. What does that word mean to you? To me, it means the delicious aroma of a grilled quesadilla, topped with Betty’s delicious sauce. I think about Betty’s sauce a lot. Sometimes I think about Betty’s sauce when I’m nine Modelos in during a Wednesday Hardlebarger lunch. You might think that Hargelbargle is just like any normal restaurant, but that’s where you would be wrong. Harmbember sets itself apart by having half the menu items and double the beer selections. At CGU, we’re more than just a college. We’re a family. That’s why all of our classrooms are in houses and why all of our professors are white.
This menu is built for the pedestrian sommelier. Quesadilla, beer, wine, alcohols, you name it, they’ve got it. Everyone that works at Hegelbarger’s is a wonderful ideation of my littlest mind, and yet they are real and perfect to fit in my big mouth on a rainy day. If you let them tell you what shape you remind them of, the workers at Hegelbergrs will give you half-off a big beer bucket o’slop at any time o’clock. There is bowling too! Sometimes trampoline park. Or as they say: tramp park! They are not sex positive at hegel bagyruye but that is okay. They fuck!
When I soiled myself in the hargieblarge, nobody pointed and laughed like they did in middle school. Instead, I was lifted up by six muscular employees and taken to the back room, where I did a keg stand. We bonded over the little things – memories from our childhoods, describing the ocean air of Ventura. I rubbed they mustache with my pinky fingers. Within 10 minutes, I was back on my feet and on my way to class. I completely forgot the stinky piss was all over my soiled jeans!
Savor the snappy pappy hot pot. They have Chinese. They have so much Chinese. We are feeling Chinese. Add in anything you want for the perpetual stew. Even the beer and wine! Go to class munted (that’s Australian slang for binge drinking). For $2 extra they will tell you are Chinese. I saw a CGU grad in there from 2009 and he was just talking about combinatorics and great puss! Combine my mouth with a HargledBanger melted tuna sammich!
Some questions you might have about Hagel bUrger????
- WHAT IS HARGERBARGER RESTARUANT 🙂
- HOW MUCH TO EAT PLATE FULL YUM GOODS
- Do they have capybara? No because that is against health code.
- What is hargerbarger/
- Restaurant 🙂
- Is the quesadilla good?
- Not really but better than in rest of inland empire.
- What kind of beer do you get?
- I don’t drink beer I keep a perpetual kombucha in a mason jar in my backpack and sometimes if I’m hungry in class I’ll take a nibble of the scoby
- Who is your favorite employee?
- Harger Barger
Betty Hagelbarger breastfed me until I was 7. Call that fresh off the tap!
Hanglebarmber… oh you! Somestimes when I’m too hungry and I have nono money I go there and eat the tapatio packets off the floor. Betty Hagelbarher always takes out her brook and starts whacking me with her big spoon.
Joseph Stalin was born in 1945 the same day as Betty Mary Lou Hagelbager. I’m not sure who died or who was born but Betty was a fucking tyrant. She used to smack my bum with a rolling pin and tell me i was sweet as peach pie. She’d slather me in grease and she didn’t like it when some people sat and ate. She lived in Claremont. One time we were walking through the old barrio neighborhood and she LOVED what they did with the parking lots.
But now that I boycott, no more tapatio packets for me. Sounds like somesbody gots go to to the Mottey and take little sips out of every broad’s drink! They can’t even spot me between the decades old couches and the 9 baristas alls hovering over the playlist. I snort little lines of sugar packet all over the ground, Splenda and sugar in the raw! Call me sugar in the raws the way I be rawimg sugar packs off the unwashed hardwoo Or getting fucked raw in the sex.
Hey hottie how you doin? That is what Betty asks me as part of our morning breakfast banter. She sits me down in a high chair and forcefeeds me raw eggs sometimes they are boiled. The shell is delicious with a pinch of Hagenbriger salt. CGU is the placenta i am the birth juice. Yummy yums! Good night moon 🌚